What do you do for fun?

When you're 5 1/2 months old and your Mom and Dad put you in the pack-n-play for some downtime what do you do?

Read, of course.

It is not surprising for us to check to see if Julia has fallen asleep, b/c its really quiet, and we see that she's thumbing through this wonderful soft book, Little Panda. Julia has done this for a couple of months, since she was first able to actually hold one of her soft flip books.

She does this of her own free will. She has bear she can play with and, of course, her feet but she mostly opts for the book.

Its a wonderful thing.

Meeting the Grandparents

Today I was feeling kind of melancholy as I returned from the doctor's office. Julia and I were driving down Gallatin Rd and I had this headache but got the urge to stop into the National Cemetery asking Julia if she wanted to meet her grandparents. (It sounds so morbid when I write it.) Anyway, we pull in and I have a pretty good memory of where my Mom and Dad are buried but its been a long time and as I drove in the place has changed. They have built some buildings and I wandered a little. I ended up at the "cemetery marker kiosk". I found the markers pretty quickly, I didn't remember the tree they are buried under but its nice to see them under a tree.

Julia wasn't so much into it, she is only 5 months old besides she was tired - she hadn't napped well since 7am. I was more overcome than I expected. I'm always surprised when I get emotional about my parents. I don't think about them often so I guess when I saw the two of them lying there - well, the grave markers - it made realize how much I really do miss them. In Sept it will be 25 years since my mom died and in June it will have been 13 since my dad died.

I am sad that Julia won't have the chance to meet them nor they her but she will have the stories about my parents and the knowledge that although they weren't terribly happy with each other toward the end of my mother's life they had, at some point, been happy enough to bring me into the world and nurture me enough so that I, along with Tara, can now nurture her.

One day we will talk about my parents but for some odd reason I thought no better time than today as the moment of introduction.

Office Crushes

I've had a job every year of my life since I was 15. I have had at least one crush on a coworker at everyone of those jobs, although I don't remember much about the object of affection on my first job (Friedman's Army Surplus). Most of these were purely physical attraction, most of the objects were attached to somebody else and I wouldn't have had the nerve to ask any of them out anyway. Part personality, shyness, and part ethics, I always thought it would be difficult - if not, wrong - to date someone at the same time you worked with them.

As I got older these crushes became more mature ranging from attraction to brother-sister to "work spouse" and sometimes a combo. It brightens my day to see these people (almost exclusively women - I don't think I would call my guy friends crushes, although I have had a man-crush or two). Working with them makes the day go by faster and makes me feel like some burden has been lifted a little.

Having become a part-time stay-at-home dad I have developed my biggest crush ever. Julia has me smitten. She wakes up and it takes a split second for her to realize where she is or who I am but she gives me a big gummy smile that melts me. I hear her talk or screech wherever I am and I have to smile. I walk in the room when she is sleeping and I can just stare at her for an eternity. Time flies when we are playing or reading or eating...the things you have to do when your work is to care for a child. But it might be a case of too much of a good thing isn't so good.

I don't get near as much work done when I am around her. The slightest things she doesn't keep me hanging on for more. I can't seem to get the laundry or cleaning done but I have made pretty good use of my time. Anyway, I thought it was approipriate (possibly the first time an office crush is appropriate!!) to share my newest office crush.

5 months and rolling

5 months and rolling
Originally uploaded by bmitd67

It's hard to believe she's been around for 5 months. Changes are happening at rapid-fire pace...

She rolls over, sleeps on her stomach, sleeps all night and stares intently at our food.

Here she is with her favorite book.

Mother's Day 2009

Today is Tara's first Mother's Day and she definitely deserves special recognition.

We all have a favorite Mother's Day stories and our favorite Mothers but I find it hard to say Mother's Day was special for me. I LOOOOVVVVEDDD my mother and therefore everyday was Mother's Day.

Mother's Day was actually stressful...what can I get my mother to make her happy, what can I do for my mother to show her I care. Oh shit! Its 3 days before Mother's Day and I need to get her a gift.

My mom died while I was in high school I have an aunt who seemed more needy of the mother's day recognition after my Mom died, or maybe it was my awareness. As a young adult most holidays became relatively unimportant and Mother's Day was no exception. Now I have a wife who has already proven to be a strong and loving mother (if you go back through this blog you will see what I mean). She worked hard to make her womb the safest and healthiest place on the planet. When Julia decided to change things (flipping into breech) Tara pulled through the C-section like a champ. When Julia struggled with weight gain issues Tara devised an ever evolving plan that has created a smart, engaged, appropriately weighted baby. On a daily basis Tara works with Julia lovingly and confidently. She brings order to the house and helps me become more confident in everything I do.

Happy Mother's Day to Tara!
From your loving husband and daughter, Jai & Julia
----------------
Now playing: Bruce Cockburn - If I Had a Rocket Launcher
via FoxyTunes

Friday Fun

sdfkj jb aoo awrea asdgo ldfadl'aweltjawe
pgjip erioparg hdflkadfhkl'adf ioe ]-0 osdih'as'sdaweio' wehl' fh sdjl/hdfguhuh; jolsdhif

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Sorry for the crazy post but Julia insisted on typing it herself.

Jai's translation: I had fun at Grandma Bonnie's today!

Sprawled

Sprawled
Originally uploaded by bmitd67

She started the night wrapped tight inside of the swaddle. As you can see the swaddle is still in one piece but Julia wiggled both arms out in an effort to grab her puppy.

Photo by Lisa Connor

FIRST DAY BACK!

Today was my first day back to work at school. It was a GOOD day! It was wonderful to leave Julia with Jai and get in my car and drive here. I called Susie at 7:50am (even though it is 2 hours earlier she was ignoring her snooze button) and said "guess where I am?!" She was not as enthusiastic as she is ready for the end of the school year. Perspective!

I was early, too, which was a good idea since I needed to clean and reorganize my office space. Since it had been so long, had another occupant (you know how I am about cleanliness), and to set up my pumping station. My co-workers were so happy and excited to see me. All day when I saw co-workers, they said "good to have you back." So nice and welcoming!

I had over 500 emails!
I didn't read all of them - many were irrelevant at this point.

There was a situation/conflict between some 6th grade students at about 9am - luckily my colleague handled it for me because I had to pump ... and I'm a little rusty on counseling!

One of the students said: "You look different ... you used to be skinny."
I said "remember I was pregnant" ... (nothing, no change in response or attitude).
I repeated myself ... (again NOTHING!).
I said "I have a baby" (I am slightly annoyed) and walked away.
Later my colleague said she heard the student say "oh, baby fat."
OMG! Too much! : )

I pumped 3 times and the total was 11 3/4 ounces which is pretty good. I'll see how much Julia eats today. Luckily I have milk in the freezer to help supplement any shortfall.

Today also marked Barack Obama's First 100 days as President of the U.S.
Overall a really good day.

Stylin'

Stylin'
Originally uploaded by bmitd67

The hat makes the outfit! Thanks to her cousin Grace for the jaunty organic, handmade hat.

Note from Tara: this photo is from February when it was cold and a long sleeved footed sleeper and wool hat was necessary!

Hair Loss

I thought it was the haircut ... that was 3 weeks ago!

I looked in "What to Expect the First Year" and apparently it is normal in the first few months postpartum. It has something to do with all of the pregnancy hormones, maybe related to the prenatal vitamin you take, and how much more hair grows. Then after the birth, the hormones are different and the hair growth stops and makes the extra hair come out.

Goodness gracious, I'm glad I have lots of hair because a lot of it is coming out - in the shower, in my comb, on clothes. Some of you know how much I dislike all the hairs. UGH!!!!!!!

I love to get waxed too. I still haven't convinced Jai to do that to his beard. I keep trying!

Anyway, if you see a bald spot, let me know. : )

and the shrieking has begun!

Julia really enjoys her mouth. She is having a blast exploring all of possible sounds and fluids that can be made with her tongue, throat and entire mouth. Mostly it is hilarious as are lots of things she is discovering. Sometimes it is confusing as she sounds distressed, but usually is not.

Typically Julia makes the most sounds when she is laying in her Pack-N-Play; she tends to be more quiet and serious when sitting up. However, yesterday she put on a show at Easter lunch at our friends' house. We have a performer amongst us!

Then today she took it to a new level. Julia got LOUD, I mean really loud!!!!!!! Seriously I am concerned about her throat getting raw and sore.

However, seeing the world through a baby's new eyes is a glorious thing! Definitely reminds you to keep it simple.

4 months & counting

4 months & counting
Originally uploaded by bmitd67

4 months. I understand what people say when they tell you to enjoy it b/c it goes by so quickly. It is amazing how this little girl is very quickly becoming a little girl. She's shows signs of mischievousness and extreme curiosity. She's social and independent. It doesn't seem like it was 4 months ago that we were sitting in a dark hospital room with a sleeping newborn

4 months and Basically Brillant

Today I am 4 months old. I weigh 11 pounds 5 ounces which makes mom very happy! My head grew another 1 cm and I am 1 1/4 inches longer since last month. Basically I am growing everywhere I'm supposed to.

My doctor likes my social smile which my parents think is normal and kind of flirtatious; lots of people notice how fun I am. I'm personable. You smile at me; I'll smile at you.

I am meeting lots of milestones for my age and actually impressed Dr. Robinson with my book handling skills... might be advanced. Not surprising given my parents... Wellesley and Sewanee... I've got brains! My dad described how I pay attention during story time and hold the book and really seem to want to turn the pages. My cloth book "Colors" is always with me in the car seat and I turn those pages... also, I like to put them in my mouth.

I sit with assistance in the Boppy and in the bouncy seat obviously.
I love to grab my feet and even put my toes in my mouth.
I've been on my tummy and rolled over to my back.

I go back to the doctor in 2 months. I should definitely be double my birth weight (13 pounds 2 ounces), probably more. I hope to demonstrate some new tricks. Maybe I'll be rolling over (from back to front), crawling some and sitting up more on my own.

GMS visit

I didn't write about my first visit to work with Julia because that was the day of the doctor visit and the weight issue. However, today's trip to Goodlettsville Middle School was no different in terms of the quest to love on Julia. She gets tons of compliments - beautiful, precious, adorable, gorgeous. I try to be clever and say "Julia would say thank you if she could" even though a plain thank you is expected. Someone even commented on her brilliant book-handling skills which might be advanced for a 4 month old.

My two immediate co-workers who witnessed and experienced most of my pregnancy are truly hilarious about who gets to hold Julia first and how long. They also monitor other people's interactions with her, even with Niki! Actually it is kind of nice to have someone else police other people with the baby.

However, their interactions with each other about Julia are the most entertaining. The following are some of their comments:

"I don't want to wait to hold her and then she'll be all tired and cranky ... like last time."
"I can hold Julia while you two catch up."
"If she wanted a white lady to hold her, she has Grandma Bonnie."

(one of my co-workers is black and one is white) (that is my favorite quote!)

We all are excited to have me return to work in a few weeks; however, I suspect they really want Julia to come, too! : )

Thunder Storms

This afternoon Julia and I spent some time in our basement, lowest place in our house, with very few windows and lots of concrete to protect us from the elements.

I was getting something to eat (always!) and Julia was sleeping (thankfully) while I listened to the radio (NPR is keeping me aware of current events) and looking outside at the pouring rain. Jai calls and asks if I'm aware of the storm situation. I said yes (sort of) and he said to be ready to go to basement if necessary. I said OK. Continued eating ... then decided the radio wasn't sufficient information so I went to living room to turn on the TV. Still eating, listening mostly though looking at the storm map. Then I heard "Cornelia Fort Airport" and if you're near there to move to your safe place. I thought "that's near us, right?" and looked up and noticed that airport is near Shelby Park. That's near us!

I quickly got up, went to guest room, grabbed the diaper bag, Julia and a blanket, luckily I had my cell phone in my pocket and also had the landline phone. We moved to the basement door and down the stairs.

The basement is pretty clean as far as basements go. We wash our laundry and I ride my bike (used to do that regularly in the mornings). Otherwise it's not a cozy hangout place. I sat on the bike and realized the outside door is in a direct line with bike (I asked Jai to move it later). I unfolded my exercise mat and got a laundry basket and put Julia in it. I got settled on the mat and we watched the TV. Johnders was outside. I didn't have time to get him. Thankfully he was OK.

Then Jai called and we talked about the situation. We need a comfortable chair (maybe we'll move the couch from nursery down there), flashlight (extra batteries), candles (matches) and some food and water.

I usually repack the diaper bag as I unpack it when we get home from an outing. It has a water bottle and a LUNA bar. It works in a short pinch, but you never know how long you might be there.

Then my mom called and she was headed to her basement just in case. Thankfully our phones were working.

Julia needed to eat while we were down there since she'd been asleep for a couple of hours. I waited to change her diaper though! : ) A cool thing about breastfeeding - I could feed Julia - no problem.

Side note about this topic:
At a LLLi meeting someone mentioned the Katrina situation and how women who could breastfeed helped feed other people's children because of the lack of clean water & formula. How awesome! The beautiful thing is the breast keeps making milk as the child drinks it - constantly!

Recently there was the big controversy with the video of Salma Hayek breastfeeding a child someplace in Africa (Factcheck: Sierre Leone). What is the big deal! I wish people would get over issues with breasts - it has many functions.

The New Tara (not Superwoman)

Wonder Woman is more my super hero character than Superwoman. I dressed up as her for at least one Halloween.

There is so much I could write about the topic of my aim for perfection (as well as many people in the mental health field). However, I no longer am able to complete or accomplish a fraction of what I used to. Yet I'm more exhausted, physically and emotionally.

Maybe writing will be cathartic because I am struggling with managing my new life as mom. I definitely hit a bottom with the weight crisis ... I feel like I became a crazy lady, crying often, often paralyzed with fear to do anything. The issues with breastfeeding and then there are these insane hormones! I definitely had some postpartum depression, my mom describes as mild ... if this is mild, oh, my goodness! It feels major to me, mainly because it seems SO different from the Tara I know. Confident, decisive, able to manage simple tasks without tears involved, happy basically.

Becoming/being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done. Harder than the homesickness I felt at Wellesley, harder even than the homesickness I experienced living in Thailand, harder than the adjustment of being married. It is a 24 hours a day, 7 days a week job that never ends, no breaks, no weekends off. People tell you about it, but you cannot know, not really, until you experience it.

Sleep deprivation is torture. Actually it is used as a form of torture. If the military wanted to train soldiers to withstand capture and interrogation, let them care for an infant. If you survive, you probably can handle ANYTHING! Jai says maybe if I'd pulled more all nighters in college, I might be more OK with less sleep. I had one all-nighter in college, thanks to a group project. Actually I overslept for the final presentation (UGH!) - that is why I do not like group projects. Other people's procrastination issues are annoying. Breastfeeding is the ultimate group project!

Faith - I didn't think I had issues with believing. However, breastfeeding requires you to have faith in the process. You cannot know how much milk the child gets and every feeding is different anyway. Pumping and bottle feeding is an exact number, but never will replicate the action of the child sucking on the breast in terms of volume or needed food at that moment. That is hard for me - I'm a numbers person, not quite like Rain Man, but close. I like hard facts.

Humbling - another good word to describe parenting and not the former Tara. I'm not modest, rarely humble. I'm really quite arrogant. Not so much anymore. Maybe that's a good thing, hopefully I'll be more compassionate, especially with people I used to consider incompetent. If you have children, I'm going to assume you didn't get much sleep and cut you some slack.

Latest symbol for the new Tara is my haircut. I cut it ALL off. Julia was starting to pull on it and it takes FOREVER to wash and comb so I went with a low maintenance do. Jai said "I thought you weren't going to get it as short as Susie's." I didn't plan to, but it happened. He says I really look like Susie now. It has been YEARS since it was this short. Some adjusting to it, but no regrets. Luckily my hair grows quickly, especially with the prenatal vitamin I still take.

What is that phrase that people say to help with challenging experiences? ... "this too shall pass." Time is truly a wonderful healer. I will find my new balance, not sure when, not sure what it will look like, but I have hope that I'll get there.

Future Gymnast

I took my hand off her for a second ... and that is all it takes. I reached for the Boppy pillow which I've done with one hand many times and I hear that dreaded thud sound. I look over in horror at my crying daughter FACE DOWN in the opposite direction. How did she do that?

Numbly I pick her up, hear Jai say something like "what happened?" and I reply "she fell." Luckily she seemed OK, mostly stunned I suspect, we didn't see any bruises or blood thankfully. Crying naturally from hitting the ground (thank goodness for cushy cork flooring) and of course she was hungry.

Jai said my face looked so sad and pathetic, like he couldn't look at me, it was so sad. I figured a fall was inevitable, at some point it would happen, children are movers, especially as they learn how their body works. As I told Jai, I hoped it wouldn't be on my watch ... not on my watch! Just like the first piece of "china" after we got married. I thought for sure it'd be Jai who broke some plate or bowl first; nope, it was me!

We've decided that Julia is destined for gymnastics - she has some strong legs and she used them to push against the back of the couch. First she was a breech presentation (we think when my water broke because she wasn't breech 4 days earlier at midwife appointment), now a flip off the couch.

In an earlier post Jai mentioned planting the tree in the front yard - a climbing tree. We had a GREAT tree in our front yard, awesome for climbing which my sister and brother and I did constantly. Luckily none of us ever broke a limb (on our body) [I fractured my collarbone playing touch/TACKLE football].

I hope we can say the same for Miss Julia. I suspect I will have more white hairs soon enough. : )

5AM - another milestone

5am - Julia fell.

I was partially awake b/c she was screaming for food. I thought it was taking longer than normal but I heard Tara trying to calm her and then...THUMP and WAAAIIIILLLLLL.

I jumped out of bed and a very confused Julia was screaming in Tara's arms. Julia launched herself off the sofa onto the floor...thank God for cork flooring. She was responsive to noise and light, he allowed herself to be soothed, she ate, she spitup, she smiled, and she talked. We called the doctor but got no call back...5 1/2 hours later, as I am writing this, we still haven't gotten a callback. I'm quite disappointed about that b/c we really like Julia's doctor.

We watched her, she dozed. I poked her every 10 or 15 minutes if she was quiet and motionless just to make sure.

Tara just called. Julia ate again and I could hear her talking in the background.

We have been initiated.

See, Julia is kicking up a storm and when she has something to push against she takes advantage of that. This morning Tara turned away for a second, Julia, in her frustration kicked against the back of the sofa and tossed herself over the edge.

Returning to my other job: 4 more weeks

I am scheduled to return to work at Goodlettsville Middle School on April 29. That is when my FMLA ends; otherwise I have to pay 100% of our health insurance (don't want to do that - EXPENSIVE!).

If I don't go back and get on payroll, I won't get paid this summer. 3 more months of no income is not a good choice, especially with the current economic situation.

I'm looking forward to leaving the house and driving to work in my car ALONE. 20 minutes of commuting alone time - ahhh, sounds wonderful! No carpool either, sorry environment!

I love you, Julia, but mommy needs a break.

Bonus: it will be only 4 weeks before June and then I'll be home again for 2 months. Jai will get a practice run at being a SAHD (stay-at-home-dad).

TIME ALONE
MONEY
HEALTH INSURANCE
WORK COMPETENCE - I hope after 4 months I still have it! : )
4 WEEKS UNTIL SUMMER BREAK
JOY TO RETURN AND SEE JULIA

Those are some good things about returning to work!

Pumping - it can be a good thing

See "Free at Last" for early days

In late January we bought the Medela Pump in Style breast pump as recommended by the first lactation consultant. Kind of wish we'd rented a hospital grade pump first to see how it went. Oh, well, live & learn. It enabled me to get some breaks and keep Julia fed ... or so I thought!

Then the weight crisis happened & I used the pump EVERY DAY 6 times a day. Not so much a fan of the breast pump now.

However, it is very helpful to make sure you drain the breast and make more milk, especially needed to supplement the few weeks in February. It was nice to take a break in early March once Julia gained consistently.

Wish I could use it more for opportunities to be away from Julia (I love her, but I need a break sometimes) ... however, it is a double-edged sword. It gives milk to whomever is watching her so she's happy and the adult is happy (hopefully), but unless I have the pump with me, my window of freedom is short (2-3 hours max) as the breasts become full and engorged and uncomfortable. Just writing the word "engorged" seems uncomfortable.

Now I'm creating a stash as I prepare to return to work in a month - try to pump once or twice in the morning when the breasts usually have more milk. I've decided to go back, especially as it is for 4 weeks, it is the end of school year, hopefully a less stressful time. Thankfully my FMLA ends after TCAP testing is finished - YEAH! It has been a long time since I didn't have to deal with TCAP.

Hopefully though once I'm at work, I'll be able to produce enough milk to keep her fed the next day. We will see ...

Quercus Bicolor Is Here!

Before Julia was born I had the idea to plant a tree. Our yard was devoid of trees and At some point after that I had the idea to solicit family and friends for $$$ to offset the cost of the tree...a gift for Julia. Only one person took me up on that offer.

Yesterday Mike and the guys from Growild came out and planted the tree, removed a dead tulip poplar - very sad - and made some suggestions for landscaping.

This picture above is obviously not our tree (Go here for the full page of info). Ours - I'll post photos later - is about 10' tall and bare right now but this will give you an idea of what we are in for!

Thanks Michele!

More Nicknames

Droolia Julia - do you like the rhyme?
The girl can drool - started about 3 weeks ago. Gosh, it is a constant stream of usually clear liquid. Sometimes it is a milky color when she cannot keep all the breast milk in her. I'm always encouraging her to keep in her - it's good stuff, don't waste it. I work hard and she does too to get it in her. : )

Jai adds: She's not close to teething yet.

Another name that goes with drooling is Bubbles. She LOVES to make/blow bubbles with her mouth. She's really enjoying all things related to her mouth, especially now getting those thumbs in there successfully. I find myself constantly wiping her down and her clothes are usually soaked around the neck. Sometimes I have to walk away because it's so cute!

Monkey - I cannot think of anything to describe why I call her this, but it fits.

Jai adds: Monkey because she is all limbs, her arms and legs seem to all move in different directions at the same time.

Target Lady - if you watch SNL then you know to what I refer. Hilarious skit depicting an enthusiastic Target employee (funniest skit ever might be the one with host Ben Affleck as a UPS delivery person with ... wait for it ... cornrolls who speaks for lack of a better description "ghetto"). Anyway, Miss Julia "talks" with enthusiasm quite often and raises her arm with a fist pump as if to say "that's great!"

Jai and I (and others) find ourselves smiling and laughing at Julia's expressions and behaviors FOREVER. Sometimes I have to make myself walk away - it's hard to get anything else done when you're surrounded by constant cuteness. We suspect that we might be creating a monster. You know when you shouldn't laugh when someone's doing something wrong because they'll think it's OK. Not that Julia's behavior is wrong, it's silly mostly.

Anyway, check in with us in a few years, especially during the "terrible two" year(s). : )

Before you know it

Much to the relief of Tara (and me - more b/c it is a relief to Tara) Julia weighed in at a whopping 10lb 6oz today. That means Julia has gained the optimal 1 oz/day. WOOOOHOOOO!

Tara adds: she also grew another 1 cm in head circumstance and 1/2 inch in length. She is a big headed, LONG baby! : )

Tara has struggled over this weight gain issue but I confidently and maybe a little naively said everything was fine. It is fine. Julia is eating her way to breast milk bliss!

Tara adds: yes, everything is fine. Thankfully Julia gains ... her way! We've decided that Julia is likely to be a small baby/child in width, maybe tall. She still wears 0-3 months clothes, but some are snug in the crotch/length area. Oh, well, she's cute!

Besides that she can grab her toes and she continues to babble continuously and smile when she catches a glimpse of me or Tara.

We can see it now...

Mr. S, Mrs J. If Julia applied herself to her schoolwork the way she applies herself to talking with friends she would be a "straight A" student.

Thanks to the family and friends who helped us.

All Breastmilk, All the Time

I haven't written much of anything about the weight crisis. It was a hard 6-7 weeks. Almost like you cannot describe, yet everyone with a baby, especially breastfeeding moms, knows some of what you're experiencing.

The regiment/schedule was brutal.
1. Nurse Julia (30-40 minutes - she's slow AND sleepy)
2. Put her in the Pack N Play to entertain herself (usually if I was alone this is what I had to do) while I pumped (15-20 minutes to pump, additional time to clean up materials); hopefully she'd nap sometimes
3. Feed Julia a bottle of expressed breast milk (10-15 minutes)

Then I would need to rest(or eat or shower maybe if lucky) or play with Julia before starting this process over again - every 3 hours!

I hardly watched TV (sometimes when I pumped) or checked my email. I didn't go to the gym or even exercise at home. I didn't leave my house except for La Leche League meetings (twice a month) or weekly weight checks at Julia's doctor (ANXIETY producing!). I always had Julia with me, too, so that meant I got no time alone. That is hard for anyone, especially someone like me who needs exercise and alone time to recharge.

Someone asked me or Jai or my sister or my mom (I got reports from them) why (or when) I didn't use formula. At first that wasn't a consideration - it really didn't occur to me. Breast milk is best for your baby plus it's free (regardless of the time required). Then I started to go crazy - how do you live this life?!?! Formula became an option - almost every day I said "FORGET ABOUT IT, I'm done!" Many times I told Jai "tomorrow you're going to have to get some formula." Me, Tara, the breastfeeding advocate and resident cheapskate. However, when you're tired and no one else but you is feeding that baby, you explore alternatives.

It is all the time. It is my job, everything else can wait (other than food and sleep). Luckily it's temporary as many people tell us - breastfeeding ends, sleep deprivation improves, you have a different routine. My goal used to be feeding to feeding, then it was day to day and week to week, now I try to reach the next month. Right now my long term goal is 6 months and we start solids. Then breast milk won't be her only food. It still is the majority food source, but not only.

I'd like to make it 1 year which is best according to World Health Organization and before you can feed cow's milk even though we don't drink/eat dairy usually. If we make it to December 8, I'll be surprised and elated. I also will be happy to stop. It isn't really my thing. Maybe because it has been a challenging experience, yes, that is part of it. However, like with pregnancy, I could take it or leave it with breastfeeding. I enjoyed most of my pregnancy, didn't have problems, but I'm not a woman who had to be pregnant. Same with breastfeeding. It's a cool process, neat that my body produces food for a baby to eat and all the equipment is attached, ideally you can do it anywhere. Actually legally you can feed your baby anywhere you are allowed to be, public or private. Unless it is someone's private home and they ask you to stop; if that happens, you want to leave their home.

I am envious of women who have mothers who breastfed them. It is a valuable resource; many women my age are part of a "lost" breastfeeding generation. We have heard MANY stories of struggles with the baby weight gain issue too (I suspect those growth charts are created by formula companies) as well as breastfeeding challenges. Luckily more children are getting breast milk, even if in combination with some formula. Hopefully that means more girls will grow up to breastfeed their children and have supportive partners to encourage them.

I'm lucky to have a wonderful partner in Jai & Julia is lucky to have a great dad.