Chicago for Fall Break 2012

Another successful plane ride with 2 small children ... this trip was slightly different from the one to MA in June. Unusually Julia was quieter thanks to Jai's Ipod which she LOVES. Jacqueline did not sleep on this trip, coming or going; 1 example of the difference of being 4.5 versus 9 months old! So much to see & "talk" about this time. Once again we got compliments on how well behaved our children are, surprised as people anticipated how bad it would be sitting next to family with kids.

It was nice to see family. They fed us, cleaned dishes, washed our laundry, watched girls for a Date Night, played with the girls, held the baby often, welcomed & included my sister in their home. It was a great vacation, change of scenery, break from the routine of constant work of parenting, house maintenance & working outside the home. Lovely, so lovely! Thank you!

Side Note:
So awesome to take a break from the pump! Only 9 more weeks to go until Winter Break. FANTASTIC!!!!! : )

Do(e), is Missy Outside?!?

Dorice Josephine Glascoe Wright, E.D. 

Dorice fought it but ultimately, cancer won. I saw Dorice less frequently than almost all of my cousins. She and her brother are longtime Northeasterners, Dorice in the Boston area and her brother, Lewis, in New York which are places very far away from me. Not until I started going to family reunions as an adult did I have any significant contact with either of them and at that point it was only every two years until Dorice and I exchanged email addresses. At that point we started to write quite a bit.

My most recent memories are that Dorice was my family's most diligent but disorganized family historian. She knew the people and places of family long gone but her document archives were scatter-shot at best - it really is a family trait. This info was to be included in her perpetually under-construction and unpublished memoir. We talked about family and genealogy and we talked lots about jazz. She was clued into parts of the Boston music scene I never was familiar with but she spoke with intimacy and enthusiasm.

The memory that stands out the most is a story passed down to me from my own personal history. A story that sounds probable but one that took place when I was so young that I don't remember it. Dorice came to Nashville to visit my mother and me and at some point while staying with us I exclaimed - in a voice I have learned from Julia that only two or three year olds can muster - Do, is Missy outside? Why such a simple phrase stuck like it did I couldn't understand until Julia started blurting out these very mature sounding statements and questions and so now, I get it. Missy was our dog and because I have heard Julia ask something very similar I can easily see myself asking Dorice (Do) if Missy was outside. Something like Julia asking "Suse, is Johnders outside?"

Dorice, we will miss you. I know 'Trane, Althea, Marvin and as well as Lena (Bell Wright), Eatonton (Wright) and all the ancestors are waiting for you, while we will forever tell your stories.

Un-American ??

Basically that's what a friend called us for not participating in the consumer side of Christmas. "We're not stimulating the economy, not taking part in capitalism." I know we're different & sometimes I'm sad for Julia to not have the whole experience of waking up on Christmas morning to a tree with lots of presents under it. I have fond memories of the anticipation & excitement & watching my sister, brother & parents open their presents too. However, we don't want to spend our money or energy that way. Plus she's so young, it's just like with her birthday, she enjoys opening the present for the paper factor, but the gift is not that important.

I was watching an interview on "The Today Show"about this video of a 3 year old boy last Christmas opening a gift & it was a book. His response was negative, basically books are not gifts. Parent sent video to some friends (she thought it was funny), it got on Youtube, went viral, got 1 million hits or something. Child is 4 now, mom & boy are on TV being interviewed, he's cute, quite a ham actually, funny, mom explains that he loves books, defending her child's behavior. Then interviewer presents a gift to the boy, he opens it to reveal Woody doll from "Toy Story 3" (nice product placement) & the response is "I already have it." Not grateful or excited & I know he's 4, but that is spoiled & unattractive behavior. Eventually after prompting from mom, he says thank you.

In contrast to material gift exchange, we like the simple celebration, spending time with family & friends, going to church on Christmas Eve, eating a home cooked meal, having nice conversations. We don't know what the future holds, we might change our traditions as Julia gets older, but right now she enjoys looking at her "Christmas in the Manger" book (thanks, Aunt Niki!). She calls out the characters - star, donkey, ram, ox, shepherds, wise people, Mommy (Mary) & baby Jesus - as we read the story. That is what I want her understanding of Christmas to be!

Family Resemblance

I was flipping through my photos while standing in line at Calypso and I saw this photo of my Dad and thought, holy crap, that looks just like Julia...

Family comforts

I hesitate writing this but it has been gnawing at me and I have to get it out.

I've had a lot of trouble of the past few years defining the big concepts...love, values, me, and most recently family. Its well known that I am an orphan insomuch as both of my parents are dead and I have no siblings. What I do have for blood relations is limited and no I can say, strained.

I am struggling very hard with my Mom's side of the family. The family closest to me genealogically is I feel the most distant. I am struggling with how I feel about them. I am struggling about what it means to be struggling about how I feel about them. It is obvious to any observer, I think, that they care deeply for me but I am having so much trouble returning that devotion. When I am with them (in person or on the phone) all I can do is see their faults, the narcissism, the pettiness, the self-serving martyrdom and the competitiveness. This all came to a head on our most recent trip to visit. It was one of the most stressful, unpleasant visits I can remember. I found myself having to protect Tara, I felt party to a conspiracy when I agreed with Tara or when I opted to do something for Julia instead of the rest of the family...if I wanted to make sure Julia had quiet time or had a feeding at a certain time I was being to regimented and that as being a backhanded stab at Tara's need for order because other family "are flexible" and don't have to be anywhere at a certain time. Or I was being compared both directly and implied to other family members.

Compare this with a trip to see Tara's family who were welcoming me to me as the in-law, old photos were brought out, stories were told, we ate together with no expectations, no pressure to be anybody other than us. We ate and we caught up and hung out and we laughed. There were no geography lessons, there were no quizzes. There was an unspoken understanding that Julia rules the roost, if Tara needed to feed her, Tara is given that space and time. If Julia needed a nap we found a way (as often as possible) to make that happen. The vibe for most of the trip was unforced. I don't think Tara was put in a position where she felt I was being unduly pressured or snide comments about the way I handle myself.

I have a theory that if you disregard individual personality that the difference between the two families is socio-economic and socio-geographic (if that's a word). On one hand you have a family of consistent and over achievers, a black family which is 4 generations out of slavery and 3 generations out of college and most of those college graduates completed some sort of graduate level degree. It appears to me that there is so much middle class frustration and disappointment. No matter what you achieve its not enough, the grass is always greener, if I don't keep pushing I will let someone down. Then the family moved from South to North which added removed them further from the ebb and flow of nature and spirit to the start and stop agitation of urban life...you have to keep moving till the lights go out and in the city the lights don't go out. Where as the part of Tara's family we visited still lives on the land they were raised or within a couple of hundred miles. They are 3 generations from slavery but far fewer college and professional degrees. They accept, sometimes reluctantly, the ebb and flow of available work and and life's changes without turning it into a big drama.

How strange that I came away from a weekend with the in-laws less stressed than a weekend with my relatives.

I accept that this is a simplified and even romanticized view of the family dynamics and I accept that this was the first time I visited Tara's family farm but I think I have to stick with what I've been saying for awhile...Poor Tara, I got the better end of this deal.

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Now playing: Gov't Mule - Thorazine Shuffle
via FoxyTunes

CHICAGO - first trip!

We flew to Chicago for Father's Day weekend to visit Jai's relatives. They had not met Julia yet.

It was Julia's first trip out of Nashville and first plane ride. She did AWESOME!

Despite an incredibly long delay leaving Nashville because of some bad weather in Chicago, Julia was a model traveler. She did much better than me! We'd heard that take-off and landings might be a problem and that breastfeeding can help. Julia wasn't interested -she'd already eaten. : )

However, she was enthralled by the plane's movements and stared out the window at the bright lights of Nashville as we left the city. Utterly captivated!

Adorable and amazing this child of ours is.

Next trip is a road trip to NC to see my family ... shall be a much LONGER adventure. Hope we make it there & back! : )

Crisis of Weight

Some of you might wonder why things have been so quiet. Well, Tara and I had to tackle our first postpartum crisis. Last month when Julia went for her 2 month checkup she was severely underweight - 1st percentile (.pdf)- which classified her as "failing to thrive". This was despite all the other criteria which said she was fine...length, head circ, mobility, alertness, demeanor.

The doctor suggested that we supplement with EBM. She wanted us to do 3 oz, 3 times a day and come back in a week for a weight check. Tara did that and through the extra feedings and lots of spitup Julia gained half a pound, which proved she could gain the weight. Dr. Robinson suggested we repeat another week. In the mean time Tara got more info and we started feeding Julia smaller supplements more often. Again we did it and Julia gained almost 1/2 lb. We have continued to do this until this weekend. In the last week Julia gained 5 oz which is the low end of the normal range for breastfed babies.

So one her 3rd month birthday Julia weighs 9lbs 7oz. She's still smaller than many but she is gaining weight and as you can see by the previous video and this photo she is bright eyed and bushy tailed.

This post doesn't touch the emotional toll this process is taking on Tara. I have stated for years that she is the stongest person I know and this process has brought her to her knees. DO NOT let anyone fool you, breastfeeding might be natural but it is not easy.

There are all sorts of things you can't factor in and if you've never breastfed before its almost impossible to figure everything out. Believe me when I say that you will most likely be the exception to ever suggestion you get about how to breastfeed. The stories will sound similar to yours but they will not be. My suggestion mirrors what I read on DIY Father this week. Listen to the suggestions but do your own research and follow your gut.

As for me? I'm struggling too but I feel it pales in comparison to Tara. I am attempting to keep everything grounded, not let the frustrations get in the way of us being parents. I am attempting to keep Tara, me and Johnders fed. I am attempting to keep our dog from losing his mind. All the while I am clenching my jaws (Literally. This is how I react to stress.) and powering through.

Thanks to Edgehill UMC, Goodlettsville Middle and other friends for keeping Tara and me fed. Its appreciated more than you know.

Partnership

According to the doctor on her 2 month appointment, Julia was failing to thrive in the weight-gain category - she's gained 1 lb in six weeks and she should have gained about 2 lbs, if I understand correctly. I'll deal with all the emotional components later but the practical end was the Dr and a lactation specialist came up with a couple of game plans to help Julia get to her benchmark 1 week later (gain 6 oz) which she exceeded by 2 oz! The gameplan is for Tara to feed herself and the baby and do little else for the next 10 days or so. Which means either the house isn't clean and food is not cooked or I do it. We chose the latter. With a whole lotta help from friends I am picking up the slack.

What does that mean? It means I don't stop moving. Its only been a couple of days but damn! Here was my President's day looked like:

8am - change & feed Julia
feed Johnders, nurse Johnders (he came up a little gimpy Sunday evening) & show him some love, eat
feed Tara while Tara pumps.
drive to/from doctor's office
change Julia, prepare lunch while Tara feeds Julia
wash dishes & eat
feed julia
fold laundry
prepare dinner, change julia
feed johnders, eat
clean bathrooms (while the women goes to a La Leche Meeting)
laundry, dishes
feed julia
1am - change julia, go to bed

Today I am at work and I can't help wonder how Tara is managing and therein is the rub. I have been surprised to hear how complimentary, genuinely pleased and maybe even surprised that I am willingly pitching in at all, let alone that much.

But seriously what else am I supposed to do? Why would I respond otherwise, why would I not do whatever is in my power to help the woman I asked to share my life with and the child we created together? Is it that hard to understand that feeding a baby is serious work? The way I see it is right now Tara is responsible for 99% of Julia's physiological growth (the other part coming from exercising, kicking, crying, etc). Her muscles and organs need food to become stronger and more efficient. Tara is her sole source of food. Tara needs food to maintain her metabolism so that she can pass on the good stuff to Julia. That means Tara is working hard (invisibly, I might add...it looks like she's just laying there) but I can tell how hard she is working.

Is this a representation of the 21st century man? Am I redefining manliness or masculinity as being able to feel the tenor of a situation and then respond in a determined, serious yet compassionate and understanding manner. At the very least Tara and I vowed to each other, and yes, we did it before God, community and government, to "have & hold, through good times and bad". Why are people so surprised to see this happen? Why is it so difficult to do this, if you aren't doing it?

The Joys of Julia - there are so many!

Julia is truly a sweet baby. She is content to sleep in someone's arms and she makes the most adorable facial expressions (purses those lips, coos, smiles) and noises (grunts, snorts). I find myself staring at her, seemingly for hours, which I have plenty of time while she nurses. Julia has long fingers which I find myself touching often (sometimes picking off her dry, flaky skin thanks to 9+ months surrounded by amniotic fluid). She also makes many motions with her hands and fingers, especially while she nurses, one which sometimes reminds me of a kitten kneading the mother cat's breast.

Julia is more alert each day, staring with such focus and attention. We're not sure who she recognizes yet. She seems to like to stare at the ceiling fans which is probably because babies see black and white contrast best at this age. She smiles more and more and soon she'll be holding her head up more strongly.

We try to read a book to her every day. The other day I realized Jai was reading something from EW to her and he also reads the newspaper with her. : ) We didn't read to her much while I was pregnant so we figured it is never too early to model reading and begin the practice and habit of daily reading.

Everyone, including us, refers to how beautiful Julia is. A few days after Julia's birth I started to feel uncomfortable about how much her beauty is referenced so we added a tag line about her intelligence, especially true because of her breastfeeding ability. "Beautiful (or cute or pretty) ... and smart" has become our new phrase.

Call list

Tara sent out an email (below is some of the text) ...
Jesus, this IS real.

Technically there are 14 days until Dec. 13 … 2 weeks from today!
However, as my midwife says it really is a Due Month.
Anytime from Dec. 1 (38 weeks) to Dec. 27 (42 weeks) is possible.
Only 4 % of babies are born on the actual due date.
Anyway, in the process of preparing, we constructed a call list, kind of like a phone tree.
Jai will call certain people, then those people will contact a few others.
An email will be sent also so everyone will get the information eventually.
We’re not going to want lots of visitors at the hospital, especially as hopefully it should be a short stay (2 days).
THANKS for everyone’s love & support. We’re almost there!!!!
Love, Tara & Jai & baby : )

LJ - the nephew (so far the only male grandchild)

There is so much that we could write about LJ, the 14 year old son of Tara's brother, the first, and only male, grandchild. He is a character and he has been true to form during the pregnancy! Overall he is so sweet and earnest and curious about the baby.

From the moment we told him Tara was pregnant, it has been a hoot. Tara called her dad in NC on Father's Day and told him next year Jai would be celebrating the holiday ... cute, right?!? Then LJ got on the phone (he spent the summer with Harold, his grandfather, and extended family in NC) and Tara tried the same tactic: "guess who will be celebrating Father's Day next year?" ... long pause ... "Jai will be" ... another long pause. Finally it clicked and LJ said "you're having a baby ... how many months?!" Tara replied "yes, 3 months." LJ said "how could you not tell me all these months?"

: )

Once LJ returned home to Nashville, we've seen him sporadically which is normal; his interest in the pregnancy and baby has not disminished. He loves to check the belly (size), talk to the belly ("hi, baby"), touch the belly (see how hard it is), even kiss the belly (very affectionate). He also is VERY determined to know the gender. He really wants the baby to be a boy. He has 3 female siblings on each side of his mother and father's families so he is one male surrounded by 6 girls! He also refers to the baby as his nephew though we explain that the baby is his cousin. : )

This week LJ stayed with us a couple of days which worked out nicely in particular for 2 appointments we had. One was with Smile Mommy! diaper service (the only one in the state of Tennessee). They brought our initial weekly supply of cloth diapers (80), wipes (80) and covers (20 in yellow and green) as well as the diaper pail and liner bags. LJ heard the explanation of the process and learned how to change a cloth diaper. (It seems simple, but a doll is not the same as a squirming infant, potentially projectiling bodily fluids; we'll see how we do. )

Then the next day he went with Tara to her midwife appointment. He asked the nurse if she knew what gender the baby is. Actually almost every time we talk with him or see him he asks if we know the gender - like we didn't know before, but we know now and can tell him. (Actually the only person who should know the gender is the ultrasound tech when we went at Week 21; it's not a secret and we're not telling anyone. We don't know and we won't know until delivery.)

LJ got to hear the heartbeat which is always strong and loud. The midwife was really complimentary of LJ; he asked some good questions about the impending labor & delivery. What to do when the water bag breaks (call) and how long before we head to the hospital (depends on how far apart the contractions are)? LJ doesn't want to be present for the birth which is fine with us, but he's excited to get the call from Bonnie and come to the hospital. We think he's going to be a great older cousin, even willing to change a few diapers! : )

Baby Shower #2

Thanks to the G-ville crew for getting together a great show.
Niki, Tara P., Kris are Tara J.'s co-workers; they live in East Nashville/Madison area so we're neighbors as well as friends; Kris & Tara J. carpool 2 days a week.

Thanks to everybody who came and shared their loot with us.

Thanks to Bonnie for the new plant Aster Oblongifolius "Raydon's Favorite". I missed GroWild's sale day, but Bonnie went and picked up some cool stuff.

Go to Christopher Cotton's flickr for photos...

Grandparents

Yesterday would have been my mother's 84th birthday. I didn't give it much thought until my Aunt left a message. Tara asked what it was all about and proceeded to ask if it meant anything and I said not really. 

I mean I miss my Mom and I really hate the fact that she is not around to share the milestones:
Eagle Scout - 1984
high school graduation - 1985
Spain - 1988
college graduation - 1989
moving out of the house - 1992
Tara - 2003
baby - 2008

Of course, this opens the whole can of worms about how my life might have been different if she were still around. Would I have gone to Sewanee, or Spain, or Baton Rouge? Would I have met Tara? Would my Dad still be alive? Would they still be married?

The timing of the baby is interesting b/c if the baby comes on time it will be 2 days after what would have been my Dad's 90th. It is possible that my child will be born on my father's birthday. That's cool but there again I miss my Dad for many of the same reasons. He died 12 years after my Mom so he saw many of the milestones I mentioned above, with varying degrees of enthusiasm. ;-)

For a lot of reasons I don't think about their deaths the same way as my Aunt does. She really, REALLY, misses her family (she is the last member of her parents' nuclear family left) and it weighs her down. My parents cross my mind a lot and I would say, most often in that "what if" mode. I see changes in the world and in my life and I would love to have their input.  The thought is usually gone as quickly as it arrived. I have my periods of depression, or as my Mom said, "feeling blue" but they aren't terribly overwhelming.

I do wish my child had the opportunity to know my parents. I knew my grandmothers but not my grandfathers and unfortunately my child(ren) will follow suit. I guess I have the opportunity to make them into mythological beings, which isn't such a bad opportunity. Besides we always have Bonnie and she will make up for everybody else who's not around.

Second Trimester - the beginning weeks

June started the beginning of trimester #2 and am I glad. I almost literally to the day of ending the first trimester started to feel better! Partly psychosomatic I'm sure as well coinciding with the beginning of my school's summer break, but I felt much more energetic. Lucky for me since I would need it as I embarked on a month of traveling that took me from Nashville to New England to London, ENGLAND!

I visited friends in Rhode Island and Vermont and Maine as well as a family reunion in New Hampshire. Also during the NE trip I was at tennis camp for 3 days during an unusual heat wave that took down non-pregnant people. I had a great time with my sister and 2 Wellesley friends, Pauline and Lisa. Thankfully they checked on me often and made sure I rested and rehydrated. I also enjoyed the carbo-loading necessary to play tennis 5 hours a day in the SUN! Ahh, I'm loving the eating part of pregnancy. : )

THEN Pauline and I headed to England for a week and went to Wimbledon to watch TONS of tennis for 3 GREAT days. We saw the Williams sisters play doubles TWICE, one time on Centre Court! Jet lag and pregnancy sleepiness seem to be interchangable, almost indistinguishable actually, and we made the most of our trip abroad. Also I got the cutest baby hat with the Wimbledon emblem!

When I returned to Nashville after a harrowing journey via Chicago's O'Hare airport (never again!), I was done with travel. Or so I thought since Jai & I already had travel plans to Seattle for July 4-8 and off I went again to the beautiful and green Northwest. Thank goodness for summer vacation - I was able to rest without having to go to work between these wonderful trips.