Modified Still Insane Daily Schedule

As with everything with a baby, once I get used to a routine, then the baby changes it! : ) That is hard for me, I like consistency, not a fan of change; however, that is my life now.

Actually I started this post in Sept. and finished it in Nov.
Obviously, my life ran away from me! Work will be busy always and when I get home, the same applies. I want to spend time with Julia & Jai, too. She's lots of fun now - really always! Once she goes to bed, then I get ready for the next day.

Now that Julia eats food, we eat dinner together. Occasionally she stares at our food. We speculate that she wonders when she'll get to eat salad and ground turkey. Julia loves her food - banana is still her favorite & soy yogurt. Now she adores oats! I believe oats are my saving grace - she started sleeping 10-11 hours at night recently. She goes to sleep at 7p & wakes around 6:30am. It's quite lovely!

Again some of this is temporary. Pumping at work ends soon. December 8 is the ONE year end zone - my ultimate goal! If Julia wants to continue to breastfeed, we'll do it when I'm home - hopefully 1-2 times a day.

How's it going?

The question everybody asks when discussing my life as a stay-at-home dad.

My new answer is going to be something like...

I prepare Julia's breakfast, I feed her, I clean her up and I try to get her to sleep. Followed almost immediately by I prepare Julia's lunch, I feed her, I clean her up and I try to get her to sleep. After that I prepare Julia's late lunch, I feed her, I clean her up and I try to get her to sleep. Finally I get to prepare Tara's (and mine) dinner, then I clean the kitchen.

After I get to eat I still have time to prepare Tara's breakfast and lunch, clean the kitchen again and wait to change Julia's diaper before I go to bed.

My Insane Daily Schedule

5am wake, change Julia's diaper, feed her
5:45am get Julia to sleep for a.m. nap so Jai can sleep longer (hopefully)
6am pump session # 1- get an extra ounce for Julia's bottle
6:25 exercise - ride my stationary bike for at least 15 minutes, 10-15 push ups (these arms are FLABBY!)
6:45am breakfast prep, pack up pumping gear (drying from cleaning night before)
7:00am shower & dress
7:30am eat breakfast, put lunch in bag
7:45am out the door, drive to work, drink Mother's Milk Tea

8:30am-4:00pm are my work hours

8:00am pump # 2 - hope to get a decent amount (2+ ounces)
10:30am pump # 3 - hope to get a decent amount (2+ ounces)
11:00-12:30pm eat a snack, later eat lunch at desk
1:00pm pump # 4 - hope to get a decent amount (2+ ounces)
3:30pm pump # 5 - usually get the most (3 ounces)

I get some work done in the intervals between pumping sessions, but it's challenging, especially because interruptions are the norm in a school.

Sidebar: I am without clerical support until Aug. 11 and new student registration is Aug. 3-7. My principal assigns that responsibility to Guidance (i.e. me) as well as make schedules for all the students. Despite the fact that she and the school secretary are there all summer and could work on schedules and students could get a copy way before school starts. I'm definitely tired of how middle schools staff Guidance support and counselors. I am the only counselor this year for 470 students! Basically I am a highly paid clerical person who does some counseling work. High schools get tons of clerical support and in elementary schools the counselors have much more counseling interactions with students. I've done my time in high school; I think it is time to move to elementary.

4:00pm pack up stuff, leave for home

4:30pm say hi, hugs & kisses to Jai & Julia - so glad to see them!
go to bathroom, unpack bags (sometimes Jai does it), wash & sterilize pumping gear (those Medela micro-steam bags are awesome!)
5:00pm change Julia's diaper, feed her
5:40pm hope to get Julia to sleep for a little nap
6:00pm Jai & I eat dinner & visit together
anytime between 7:00-7:45pm change Julia to PJ's, change diaper, feed her
after 8:00pm make sure lunch & breakfast prep is done, make cup of Mother's Milk tea, shower
by 9:00pm in bed, write in Grateful journal, read book for 5-10 minutes before falling asleep
at or before 9:00pm lights off

Weekend schedule is all breastfeeding. I plan to pump after 1-3 feedings in order to increase supply. We rented a hospital-grade pump again, this time so I have it at work to get the most milk out of me and to decrease the back & forth of carrying my pump every day. Tedious!

I pumped about 7 ounces on Monday; I pumped 11 ounces today. It's getting there.
We try to give her 14-15 ounces in 3 bottles. I don't think she drinks that much in those 3 daytime feedings from me, but we don't want her to lose weight, she's already light.
I'd like to get 13-14 ounces in 3-4 pumpings instead of 5. Until that happens we've been using stored milk in the freezer. If I pump less than 11 ounces a day, we'll run through the frozen stash by the end of August. However, with the post-feeding pumping, More Milk Plus herbal supplement 4 times a day, Mother's Milk tea twice a day, eating right and lots of rest, we've seen an increase in my milk supply this week. Ironically when Julia started sleeping through the night, my milk supply steadily declined in addition to the damage I did in June with my creative pumping. We're going to start solids in August - tomorrow! Come on high calorie bananas and avocados!

Luckily this is temporary - December 8 is ONE year which is my ultimate goal! At least that is when I'll stop pumping at work with this zeal. If Julia wants to continue to breastfeed, we'll do it when I'm home - that will still be 3-4 times a day, more on weekends.

Right now I don't do much else. I sometimes watch TV while I pump, but usually I don't; sometimes I look at the Internet. I miss my TV shows - I'm addicted to TV. However, usually I try to focus on being positive while I pump and think about Julia and making milk for her.

In a way I am glad to be back at work and I know Jai is happy to be home with Julia. I miss her more than I did in May which surprised me. Jai is wonderful with her, they have a great time together and I am greeted with Julia's beautiful smile each afternoon and stories of her daily adventures (Example A: Spiderwoman photo). Jai cooks dinner, makes my lunch and usually helps make my breakfast. When I was home and Jai worked at NPL, sometimes I made dinner, sometimes made his lunch [usually dinner leftovers, but he also could go out in a pinch though we try not to for economic reasons; I cannot go out for lunch (pumping!)] and sometimes I made his breakfast. I don't know who's getting the better deal.

We both are because we're Julia's parents! : )

The New Tara (not Superwoman)

Wonder Woman is more my super hero character than Superwoman. I dressed up as her for at least one Halloween.

There is so much I could write about the topic of my aim for perfection (as well as many people in the mental health field). However, I no longer am able to complete or accomplish a fraction of what I used to. Yet I'm more exhausted, physically and emotionally.

Maybe writing will be cathartic because I am struggling with managing my new life as mom. I definitely hit a bottom with the weight crisis ... I feel like I became a crazy lady, crying often, often paralyzed with fear to do anything. The issues with breastfeeding and then there are these insane hormones! I definitely had some postpartum depression, my mom describes as mild ... if this is mild, oh, my goodness! It feels major to me, mainly because it seems SO different from the Tara I know. Confident, decisive, able to manage simple tasks without tears involved, happy basically.

Becoming/being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done. Harder than the homesickness I felt at Wellesley, harder even than the homesickness I experienced living in Thailand, harder than the adjustment of being married. It is a 24 hours a day, 7 days a week job that never ends, no breaks, no weekends off. People tell you about it, but you cannot know, not really, until you experience it.

Sleep deprivation is torture. Actually it is used as a form of torture. If the military wanted to train soldiers to withstand capture and interrogation, let them care for an infant. If you survive, you probably can handle ANYTHING! Jai says maybe if I'd pulled more all nighters in college, I might be more OK with less sleep. I had one all-nighter in college, thanks to a group project. Actually I overslept for the final presentation (UGH!) - that is why I do not like group projects. Other people's procrastination issues are annoying. Breastfeeding is the ultimate group project!

Faith - I didn't think I had issues with believing. However, breastfeeding requires you to have faith in the process. You cannot know how much milk the child gets and every feeding is different anyway. Pumping and bottle feeding is an exact number, but never will replicate the action of the child sucking on the breast in terms of volume or needed food at that moment. That is hard for me - I'm a numbers person, not quite like Rain Man, but close. I like hard facts.

Humbling - another good word to describe parenting and not the former Tara. I'm not modest, rarely humble. I'm really quite arrogant. Not so much anymore. Maybe that's a good thing, hopefully I'll be more compassionate, especially with people I used to consider incompetent. If you have children, I'm going to assume you didn't get much sleep and cut you some slack.

Latest symbol for the new Tara is my haircut. I cut it ALL off. Julia was starting to pull on it and it takes FOREVER to wash and comb so I went with a low maintenance do. Jai said "I thought you weren't going to get it as short as Susie's." I didn't plan to, but it happened. He says I really look like Susie now. It has been YEARS since it was this short. Some adjusting to it, but no regrets. Luckily my hair grows quickly, especially with the prenatal vitamin I still take.

What is that phrase that people say to help with challenging experiences? ... "this too shall pass." Time is truly a wonderful healer. I will find my new balance, not sure when, not sure what it will look like, but I have hope that I'll get there.