It is the little things!

It is the little things that the kids do that make me smile.

It's when Jacqueline goes to the table to get her napkin while she's eating or when she turns her plate so that the food is closer to her. 

It is when Julia goes to a book that has the word she's trying to spell in the title or when Julia puts her socks in her shoes and puts her shoes in the pantry next to each other when you realize that you're doing something right as a parent. 

It is these little things that you can enjoy when no one else is around.

Working Parents - how do we survive?

We have 1 1/2 incomes basically now since Jai started working part-time (Sat.-Mon.) at Nashville Public Library in mid-October. For about 15 months we were living on 1 income which has been challenging financially, but our goal is for one of Julia's parents to care for her full-time. We kind of lived in fantasy land for 1/2 of these months as we spent more liberally than we should have, used savings sometimes to pay credit card bills, not living truly to the new adjusted budget. Earlier this year I freaked out as I usually do about money when I paid more attention to some of our expenses, especially a huge debt I didn't realize was as big.

We stopped careless spending (which wasn't outrageous, mainly going out to eat too often), started using the Dave Ramsey "cash money in envelope" plan, and examined other ways to cut expenses. Once we trimmed as much as possible (we probably could do more!), we discussed part-time work for Jai & I also signed up for after school tutoring at school - any way to increase income - & Jai got the job at NPL. We use that money to pay extra on debt - it's working, it will take us about 1 1/2 years, but that's good, compared to what was happening which would have taken 3-4 years.

We also are more self-disciplined, live within our budget, spend only what we have in the envelope; we use credit card for expected/automated expenses (for convenience mainly) like gas, diapers, WPLN donation, cell phone bill, then pay the bill each month. We still put money in an account for Julia - savings & education - and for CSA savings (we pre-pay at beginning of each season which saves us 10% & we don't have to write a weekly check).

We decided we're not going to travel by plane for the next year, especially as Julia no longer is a free ride. We're planning to visit family in NC in spring & Chicago in summer, but no other travel. We rarely eat out - maybe once a month, depends on what's in envelope. : ) We haven't seen a movie at theater in 5 months (we each have seen an individual movie using our personal entertainment money) - we get DVDs from NPL or Redbox. Overall it's good, but Jai & I have different philosophies about money. : )

OK, I've written about a different topic than I originally intended! I wanted to write about how hard it is to have both parents working outside the home. We're experiencing some of what I expect happens in that scenario - somewhat more rushed, less time with each other or for self, constantly pulled in so many different directions, no time to cook or clean. I feel lucky that Jai is home 4 days with Julia & he prepares most of our weekday meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner); I also enjoy spending time on Saturday & Sunday with Julia - our time together is special. Bonnie watches Julia on Monday so I treasure those afternoons when I get home from work & have 1-1 1/2 hours to myself, even if I'm preparing dinner which I find relaxing (sometimes). I'm happy that we're still able to prepare most of our meals from scratch (money saving technique & health reasons).

Parents are tired, regardless of work situations. There probably is never enough money.

We're also fortunate that I have a job with lots of vacation time.

Fathers are key to toddler development | DIYFather.com - It's great to be a dad!

I read this somewhere a while ago but its nice to see it in print again. Yea Me (and men like me)!

Fathers are key to toddler development | DIYFather.com - It's great to be a dad!:

"As part of the investigations, kids aged 12 to 18 months (accompanied by a parent) were placed in three different risky situations: social risk (a strange adult entered his or her environment), physical risk (toys were placed at the top of a stairway), and a forbidden activity (parents were forbidden to climb the stairs after the child succeeded the first time). "We found fathers are more inclined than mothers to activate exploratory behavior by being less protective," says Paquette. "

"Paquette is convinced that mothers and fathers intervene differently in the education of a child and these complementarities benefit a child. 'Even if both parents change diapers and give the bottle, they don't do it the same way,' says Paquette. 'By stimulating exploration, controlled risk-taking and competition, fathers provide something different to the child who will benefit greatly from this singular contribution.'"

Our First Day Together

Tara left for a new school year around 8am this morning and from then until 4pm it was all me, Julia & Johnders.

Here's what the day looked like.

8am - Tara left. I attempted to get a very active baby to sleep...no success in the crib so I shaved (it had been a couple of weeks)
9am - Julia still awake, meaning no early AM nap. Jai pulls out the sling Tara has so much trouble with and surprisingly tucks Julia in neatly. She immediately stops all noise and just sits there, staring. We get Johnders for breakfast, my 2nd cup of coffee and a game of "Battle for Middle Earth II" (yes, you can call me a geek). Julia dozes off for about 20 minutes.
10am - phone wakes Julia (still in sling, in my lap), I get Julia's milk ready. I, nor Julia, like the Adiri bottle. So I went back to the special needs feeder on regular bottle and she finished it. After some silliness and a big yawn we tried for another nap.
10:50am - Julia and I lay down on the sofa. After some fussing on her part we both doze.
11:30am - I transfer her to the crib and finally a nap
1pm - Lunch & Home Depot
2pm - grill pattypan squash and wait for Tara to come home.

Nothing really eventful but Julia won't sleep. Even now at 8pm with a 2 hour nap at lunch she doesn't want to sleep.

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Summer Fun

Julia as Amelia Earhart before we go to the pool
Originally uploaded by bmitd67

As Tara and I become more mindful parents we continue to discover ways to keep Julia's best interests at the forefront of our life.

• We feed her the best food available - breast milk.
• We protect her nap time.
• We try to avoid over stimulation.
• Now that summer is here and pool time we have to protect her fragile skin from the sun. To and from the the YMCA Julia is dressed like a prizefighter.

The New Tara (not Superwoman)

Wonder Woman is more my super hero character than Superwoman. I dressed up as her for at least one Halloween.

There is so much I could write about the topic of my aim for perfection (as well as many people in the mental health field). However, I no longer am able to complete or accomplish a fraction of what I used to. Yet I'm more exhausted, physically and emotionally.

Maybe writing will be cathartic because I am struggling with managing my new life as mom. I definitely hit a bottom with the weight crisis ... I feel like I became a crazy lady, crying often, often paralyzed with fear to do anything. The issues with breastfeeding and then there are these insane hormones! I definitely had some postpartum depression, my mom describes as mild ... if this is mild, oh, my goodness! It feels major to me, mainly because it seems SO different from the Tara I know. Confident, decisive, able to manage simple tasks without tears involved, happy basically.

Becoming/being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done. Harder than the homesickness I felt at Wellesley, harder even than the homesickness I experienced living in Thailand, harder than the adjustment of being married. It is a 24 hours a day, 7 days a week job that never ends, no breaks, no weekends off. People tell you about it, but you cannot know, not really, until you experience it.

Sleep deprivation is torture. Actually it is used as a form of torture. If the military wanted to train soldiers to withstand capture and interrogation, let them care for an infant. If you survive, you probably can handle ANYTHING! Jai says maybe if I'd pulled more all nighters in college, I might be more OK with less sleep. I had one all-nighter in college, thanks to a group project. Actually I overslept for the final presentation (UGH!) - that is why I do not like group projects. Other people's procrastination issues are annoying. Breastfeeding is the ultimate group project!

Faith - I didn't think I had issues with believing. However, breastfeeding requires you to have faith in the process. You cannot know how much milk the child gets and every feeding is different anyway. Pumping and bottle feeding is an exact number, but never will replicate the action of the child sucking on the breast in terms of volume or needed food at that moment. That is hard for me - I'm a numbers person, not quite like Rain Man, but close. I like hard facts.

Humbling - another good word to describe parenting and not the former Tara. I'm not modest, rarely humble. I'm really quite arrogant. Not so much anymore. Maybe that's a good thing, hopefully I'll be more compassionate, especially with people I used to consider incompetent. If you have children, I'm going to assume you didn't get much sleep and cut you some slack.

Latest symbol for the new Tara is my haircut. I cut it ALL off. Julia was starting to pull on it and it takes FOREVER to wash and comb so I went with a low maintenance do. Jai said "I thought you weren't going to get it as short as Susie's." I didn't plan to, but it happened. He says I really look like Susie now. It has been YEARS since it was this short. Some adjusting to it, but no regrets. Luckily my hair grows quickly, especially with the prenatal vitamin I still take.

What is that phrase that people say to help with challenging experiences? ... "this too shall pass." Time is truly a wonderful healer. I will find my new balance, not sure when, not sure what it will look like, but I have hope that I'll get there.

More Nicknames

Droolia Julia - do you like the rhyme?
The girl can drool - started about 3 weeks ago. Gosh, it is a constant stream of usually clear liquid. Sometimes it is a milky color when she cannot keep all the breast milk in her. I'm always encouraging her to keep in her - it's good stuff, don't waste it. I work hard and she does too to get it in her. : )

Jai adds: She's not close to teething yet.

Another name that goes with drooling is Bubbles. She LOVES to make/blow bubbles with her mouth. She's really enjoying all things related to her mouth, especially now getting those thumbs in there successfully. I find myself constantly wiping her down and her clothes are usually soaked around the neck. Sometimes I have to walk away because it's so cute!

Monkey - I cannot think of anything to describe why I call her this, but it fits.

Jai adds: Monkey because she is all limbs, her arms and legs seem to all move in different directions at the same time.

Target Lady - if you watch SNL then you know to what I refer. Hilarious skit depicting an enthusiastic Target employee (funniest skit ever might be the one with host Ben Affleck as a UPS delivery person with ... wait for it ... cornrolls who speaks for lack of a better description "ghetto"). Anyway, Miss Julia "talks" with enthusiasm quite often and raises her arm with a fist pump as if to say "that's great!"

Jai and I (and others) find ourselves smiling and laughing at Julia's expressions and behaviors FOREVER. Sometimes I have to make myself walk away - it's hard to get anything else done when you're surrounded by constant cuteness. We suspect that we might be creating a monster. You know when you shouldn't laugh when someone's doing something wrong because they'll think it's OK. Not that Julia's behavior is wrong, it's silly mostly.

Anyway, check in with us in a few years, especially during the "terrible two" year(s). : )

All Breastmilk, All the Time

I haven't written much of anything about the weight crisis. It was a hard 6-7 weeks. Almost like you cannot describe, yet everyone with a baby, especially breastfeeding moms, knows some of what you're experiencing.

The regiment/schedule was brutal.
1. Nurse Julia (30-40 minutes - she's slow AND sleepy)
2. Put her in the Pack N Play to entertain herself (usually if I was alone this is what I had to do) while I pumped (15-20 minutes to pump, additional time to clean up materials); hopefully she'd nap sometimes
3. Feed Julia a bottle of expressed breast milk (10-15 minutes)

Then I would need to rest(or eat or shower maybe if lucky) or play with Julia before starting this process over again - every 3 hours!

I hardly watched TV (sometimes when I pumped) or checked my email. I didn't go to the gym or even exercise at home. I didn't leave my house except for La Leche League meetings (twice a month) or weekly weight checks at Julia's doctor (ANXIETY producing!). I always had Julia with me, too, so that meant I got no time alone. That is hard for anyone, especially someone like me who needs exercise and alone time to recharge.

Someone asked me or Jai or my sister or my mom (I got reports from them) why (or when) I didn't use formula. At first that wasn't a consideration - it really didn't occur to me. Breast milk is best for your baby plus it's free (regardless of the time required). Then I started to go crazy - how do you live this life?!?! Formula became an option - almost every day I said "FORGET ABOUT IT, I'm done!" Many times I told Jai "tomorrow you're going to have to get some formula." Me, Tara, the breastfeeding advocate and resident cheapskate. However, when you're tired and no one else but you is feeding that baby, you explore alternatives.

It is all the time. It is my job, everything else can wait (other than food and sleep). Luckily it's temporary as many people tell us - breastfeeding ends, sleep deprivation improves, you have a different routine. My goal used to be feeding to feeding, then it was day to day and week to week, now I try to reach the next month. Right now my long term goal is 6 months and we start solids. Then breast milk won't be her only food. It still is the majority food source, but not only.

I'd like to make it 1 year which is best according to World Health Organization and before you can feed cow's milk even though we don't drink/eat dairy usually. If we make it to December 8, I'll be surprised and elated. I also will be happy to stop. It isn't really my thing. Maybe because it has been a challenging experience, yes, that is part of it. However, like with pregnancy, I could take it or leave it with breastfeeding. I enjoyed most of my pregnancy, didn't have problems, but I'm not a woman who had to be pregnant. Same with breastfeeding. It's a cool process, neat that my body produces food for a baby to eat and all the equipment is attached, ideally you can do it anywhere. Actually legally you can feed your baby anywhere you are allowed to be, public or private. Unless it is someone's private home and they ask you to stop; if that happens, you want to leave their home.

I am envious of women who have mothers who breastfed them. It is a valuable resource; many women my age are part of a "lost" breastfeeding generation. We have heard MANY stories of struggles with the baby weight gain issue too (I suspect those growth charts are created by formula companies) as well as breastfeeding challenges. Luckily more children are getting breast milk, even if in combination with some formula. Hopefully that means more girls will grow up to breastfeed their children and have supportive partners to encourage them.

I'm lucky to have a wonderful partner in Jai & Julia is lucky to have a great dad.

Crisis of Weight

Some of you might wonder why things have been so quiet. Well, Tara and I had to tackle our first postpartum crisis. Last month when Julia went for her 2 month checkup she was severely underweight - 1st percentile (.pdf)- which classified her as "failing to thrive". This was despite all the other criteria which said she was fine...length, head circ, mobility, alertness, demeanor.

The doctor suggested that we supplement with EBM. She wanted us to do 3 oz, 3 times a day and come back in a week for a weight check. Tara did that and through the extra feedings and lots of spitup Julia gained half a pound, which proved she could gain the weight. Dr. Robinson suggested we repeat another week. In the mean time Tara got more info and we started feeding Julia smaller supplements more often. Again we did it and Julia gained almost 1/2 lb. We have continued to do this until this weekend. In the last week Julia gained 5 oz which is the low end of the normal range for breastfed babies.

So one her 3rd month birthday Julia weighs 9lbs 7oz. She's still smaller than many but she is gaining weight and as you can see by the previous video and this photo she is bright eyed and bushy tailed.

This post doesn't touch the emotional toll this process is taking on Tara. I have stated for years that she is the stongest person I know and this process has brought her to her knees. DO NOT let anyone fool you, breastfeeding might be natural but it is not easy.

There are all sorts of things you can't factor in and if you've never breastfed before its almost impossible to figure everything out. Believe me when I say that you will most likely be the exception to ever suggestion you get about how to breastfeed. The stories will sound similar to yours but they will not be. My suggestion mirrors what I read on DIY Father this week. Listen to the suggestions but do your own research and follow your gut.

As for me? I'm struggling too but I feel it pales in comparison to Tara. I am attempting to keep everything grounded, not let the frustrations get in the way of us being parents. I am attempting to keep Tara, me and Johnders fed. I am attempting to keep our dog from losing his mind. All the while I am clenching my jaws (Literally. This is how I react to stress.) and powering through.

Thanks to Edgehill UMC, Goodlettsville Middle and other friends for keeping Tara and me fed. Its appreciated more than you know.

"Jai" has been replaced with...

"Hey, Would You..."

I know, I know. Tara is working her ass off trying to feed this adorable little baby so the least I can do is be errand boy but sometimes it feels insane. She will say "Hey, Would you..." or some variation something like once every 30 seconds.

Are you excited?

Everybody keeps asking me that.

I'm nervous not excited.

Reality Check, 1-2-1-2

Until yesterday having a baby and being a stay-at-home dad was somewhere in the future. I knew the due date but it didn't mean a whole lot.

Yesterday I met with several upper level staff members (my boss, her boss, director of HR and director of Administration) about my future leave time and what not. I went in naïvely thinking there were possibilities of flex time or doing what I do part-time or something. During the meeting I was told in no uncertain terms that when my FMLA period has expired I will work at the will of the library. I imagine in more prosperous times flex, tele-commuting and whatnot might have been on the table but during this economic down turn there is no way the library can play with such ideas.

I'm not mad but I was served a true reality check. I might be able to work in the library but it will be part-time probably as a circ asst and who knows what my pay will be. As difficult as this job is I don't know how to feel about not doing it anymore. This presents tremendous opportunity - I will have little excuse for starting school or writing that book or who knows what - but it's gonna be hard too. Our income will drop about 40%, we'll have a baby and I will be the oddity known as stay-at-home dad.

My life is really about to change.

What does the expectant father do?

Since Tara's been pregnant, I've been reading lots of books about expectant fathering and you know what? I've noticed that it looks a lot like pre-expectant husbanding...

Tara: Jai, can you get this out of the car?
Jai: OK

Tara: I left a list of things for you to do while I'm gone.
Jai: Mmmhmmm.

Tara: Did you take a shower?
Jai: No
Tara: Why not?
Jai: Because.