OCD or normal pre-school behavior?

Jai told me that Julia puts the crayons back in the box in a particular way. From what we can tell, right now it only seems as if she lines the crayons with the brand name facing up, nothing more, like we haven't noticed that they have to be in a certain color order. It's really funny as she says "no" if one of us does it differently & she'll change it.

She does something else that seems very particular, but I cannot remember what it is. I'll add it if I remember. Some behaviors are like any of ours, learned habits, normal, yet I wonder if some of it is due to my OCD tendencies. She observes & repeats EVERYTHING, you know!

Fascinating stuff!

Sense of community via church

Tara & I don't see eye to eye on religion & church. There's no animosity or antagonism; we just had very different experiences as kids - both of us had positive church childhoods but they served different purposes & made different impressions on us. Now it is our turn to show Julia what it means to be a part of a community & I have to figure out where church fits in. I'll try to stay away from the spirituality & talk about church as a place and community.

I grew up in a traditional Episcopal Church. The liturgy was celebrated with mid to high levels of formality & pomp. We had red velvet kneeler s, we faced the alter, we lightly genuflected when we entered the pew or the cross passed us. My mom & I went to early service which meant no music from our historic pipe organ & small choir but when I got older I became an acolyte for that late service and got to experience the orthodoxy of the liturgy (washing of the priests' hands, assisting at the communion rail, solemn lighting & snuffing of candles, etc. I liked this formality & ritual. All of which was reinforced when I started to attended catholic school. As far as I was concerned, this is what church was supposed to look & feel like. The rituals of the service & what we did in Sunday school (plus Christmas & Easter programs) was pretty much the extent of my youth church experience. If we did youth programs, other than youth Sunday (Easter) and outreach I never knew about it. If we did youth camp I never went. Whatever outreach & community involvement our church did was the domain of adults. I was heavily involved with the Boy Scouts & it is possible that my church did things but I was already booked for something else but I do not remember anything like helping the underprivileged in the area or food banks or summer camp or retreats or even pizza nights. I remember I saw my fellow youth parishioners on Sunday morning & that was pretty much it.

Tara grew up in a modern, relaxed community focused Methodist Church. The church was purposefully started in a black community. It began with community involvement & social justice in mind. It is, to this day, an activist church. It is a congregation filled with people who have social justice at the top of their agenda within & outside the church. The liturgy is relaxed & comforting in its familial atmosphere; kids are active in the service, there are rocking chairs for those who need them & you see people knitting during service. They use gender neutral language in their prayers & include the congregation in parts of the service like the prayers of the people & even some responses to the gospel. The youth ministry, as I hear Tara & her friends (the first generation of children in the church) talk, always did & continues to have camps & events. They also had mission trips & fed the hungry or helped the homeless. Her friends from her childhood, who are still friends, are church friends, not neighbors or school friends. My childhood friends, the few there are, are from school & the neighborhood. Tara & Julia go almost every Sunday. Julia's Godparents are all church related (Susie is also her Aunt but still, Tara & Susie went to church together). This is what church will look like & be like for Julia.

One thing I love about the church is how they work to have the children participate in & understand the liturgy. Weekly this involves, at the least, the smaller children helping with the communion gifts. After the bread & wine have made it around their halves of the communion circle some of the children meet the pastor in the middle & carry the gifts back up to the altar - part of a loaf of bread, a chalice - & place the items on the table so that the service may continue. A few Sundays ago, Julia carried some of the bread back to the table & she did it with joy & confidence. The way I heard it was the number of kids was limited & Julia was willing. We know she's extraordinarily observant &, like all kids, she wants to do what the older kids do. She goes to church often enough where she knew what was being asked of her & took to it like the diligent toddler she is. I have no qualms or doubts that is this the way to build a sense of community responsibility. This is the type of environment where a child learns what is acceptable behavior as well as where children learn to see themselves as a part of that something larger. Although Tara & I experienced & continue to experience church & spirituality in different ways we both agree that being a part of a church community - a spiritual community - is a way to gain appreciation for being a responsible part of any community to which you are a part.

NO nap today!

Right now I'm listening to the sounds of Julia having a grand time in her crib - NOT SLEEPING! It's hilarious!

Much better than an hour ago when she was screaming & crying - not sure why since she usually goes to sleep with no problem. Not today - so odd! I hope it doesn't mean the end of daytime nap is near. I think she's off her routine with me home for 2 weeks.

BUMMER! I really wanted a nap, too! : )

White Christmas by Julia

Disclaimer: we (my parents) cannot remember my log-in so I (Julia) am relying on Tara (AKA Mommy) to write my blog post. Just as I do with my correspondence I have to rely on the help of adults. Also the delay has meant that it really is 1-11-11, not actually Christmas, that this post is being finished. That being said, the sentiment is real. : )

It has not happened in MANY years in Nashville - we heard it has been 17 years! None of us were here - I wasn't born of course, Mommy was in Thailand & Daddy was in Baton Rouge in 1993. Actually this wasn't the first snow of the season either. On Dec. 12 snow fell all day & night; Mommy was at home, schools closed, on Dec. 13 & 14. It was great! So pretty to watch as the snow fell, everything covered in a blanket of white, less people moving about the streets, the silence, lovely.

That's what the adults tell me. We didn't really explore this first snow or even the stuff on Christmas. Mommy doesn't like the cold & I don't know why Daddy didn't take me outside to play as he does. Anyway, we did yesterday as it snowed AGAIN on a Sunday night & Mommy is home again on a Monday & Tuesday! She's afraid she won't get out of school until late June & have less time at the swimming pool. We are having fun being together which is the point.

Anyway, we had a nice Christmas holiday, our simple style of celebrating. Christmas Eve we slept late (relative concept in a house with a small child), Mommy baked all morning (she's been baking all week, some of which we've been able to eat!) & I took my regular mid-day nap. Then we went to Grandma Bonnie & Poppy's Soup & Cider Party. FUN! People, food, lots to see! We went to church for Christmas Eve service & we carried the baby Jesus to the alter (Mommy goofed & put him in the center, instead of by Mary & Joseph). So cool to be a part of the service! Home for dinner & bed at regular time.

Christmas Day started as any other, oatmeal for breakfast & basically hanging out. Reading books, playing with Johnders, visiting with Uncle Joel. My 3 favorite things! : ) At lunchtime, Grandma Bonnie, Poppy & friend, Lois arrived & we ate our Christmas meal of soup & bread. Traditionally Southern New England clam chowder with white sweet potatoes this year (yum!) & cheese herb bread (Kwanzaa recipe Mommy has been making for about 10 years). While I took usual mid-day nap, they talked & had a grand time. GB, B & L left before it got too dark & we read some more books, I took my Saturday bath & went to bed. It was a regular yet special day, good time with family.

Merry Christmas!
Love, Julia

Un-American ??

Basically that's what a friend called us for not participating in the consumer side of Christmas. "We're not stimulating the economy, not taking part in capitalism." I know we're different & sometimes I'm sad for Julia to not have the whole experience of waking up on Christmas morning to a tree with lots of presents under it. I have fond memories of the anticipation & excitement & watching my sister, brother & parents open their presents too. However, we don't want to spend our money or energy that way. Plus she's so young, it's just like with her birthday, she enjoys opening the present for the paper factor, but the gift is not that important.

I was watching an interview on "The Today Show"about this video of a 3 year old boy last Christmas opening a gift & it was a book. His response was negative, basically books are not gifts. Parent sent video to some friends (she thought it was funny), it got on Youtube, went viral, got 1 million hits or something. Child is 4 now, mom & boy are on TV being interviewed, he's cute, quite a ham actually, funny, mom explains that he loves books, defending her child's behavior. Then interviewer presents a gift to the boy, he opens it to reveal Woody doll from "Toy Story 3" (nice product placement) & the response is "I already have it." Not grateful or excited & I know he's 4, but that is spoiled & unattractive behavior. Eventually after prompting from mom, he says thank you.

In contrast to material gift exchange, we like the simple celebration, spending time with family & friends, going to church on Christmas Eve, eating a home cooked meal, having nice conversations. We don't know what the future holds, we might change our traditions as Julia gets older, but right now she enjoys looking at her "Christmas in the Manger" book (thanks, Aunt Niki!). She calls out the characters - star, donkey, ram, ox, shepherds, wise people, Mommy (Mary) & baby Jesus - as we read the story. That is what I want her understanding of Christmas to be!

Good Hair

Recently we watched this documentary produced & narrated by comedian Chris Rock. We learned so much, even my brother, Joel, learned something even though he knew way more than Jai & I. It was funny & scary at the same time.

Really I am totally ignorant about black hair ... because I have "good" hair. I feel fortunate, but also disappointed at what seems unethical & criminal. It's outrageous what is happening in the hair industry, for black people in particular. Unbelievable how much it costs to maintain hair - either to get relaxer &/or perm or to have a weave. I had no idea!

It's a huge business, most not owned by black people unfortunately. We all make choices about how to spend our time & money, but I wish we didn't think our kinky, frizzy, curly hair was bad & went to such monetary & chemically dangerous means to change it to a perceived idea of goodness. Black hair is beautiful in whatever form it is.

Julia's hair is a combination of both of our hair. Some parts is more smooth, others have more curl. We've ignored it for the most part which is what I usually do with my hair & Jai, too, since he keeps his short. We're both very low maintenance with hair. However, not sure if that's the best approach with Julia's hair since it's different.

We bought some detangler product by Kiss My Face (like their stuff) & Julia liked it, but it really wasn't the right stuff. I asked some black female friends for suggestions & got some ideas, but didn't do anything. So last week after trying to brush the "hot mess" that ignoring created, I bought a "curl moisturizing styling" product by Tiny Twirls (part of Kinky Kurls), with a photo of a little brown skinned girl on the front. I also bought a new brush as we think that was part of the problem. It seems to work, Julia is more agreeable to us brushing her hair - she likes to hold the bottle. Her hair is softer & now we usually pull it back in an afro puff which she enjoys saying.

"Puff." : )

Oh, Belmont!

That is what I said after I heard about the firing of the soccer coach, Lisa Howe. I saw part of BU's president's explanation that is wasn't for reasons related to sexuality & I hope it wasn't. Unfortunately we probably won't know the real reasons, especially because of some confidentiality agreement, but it makes me wonder. I know there are TONS of reasons why people are fired. Fortunately this event has sparked a huge wave of discussion amongst BU students, faculty, as well as community members here in Nashville & elsewhere. Discrimination is not OK regardless of being a private institution & especially a Christian-based one. It's so anti-Christian to be hateful & exclusive & not welcoming of all of God's children. Another positive is that BU didn't have any kind of written policy or anything otherwise about sexuality in regards to admission, hirings, terminations, etc. so now there is something. There's a really good article in last week's Nashville Scene. I liked Lisa's comment to end the article - "I'm just a soccer coach at heart." It makes me think about the recent repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" guideline in the military. People just want to live their lives, do their jobs, be with their families, without recrimination.

Daddy Shift

This book by Jeremy Adam Smith is really interesting. I know you wonder how I have time to read all these books I write about on the blog. I wonder too! However, I'm pretty sure this book (Jai bought it last year I think) is one I'd been reading for most of this year. I have a book in different locations - my bedside, near my stationary bike (doesn't get read often), living room for non-TV/computer day (doesn't get read often either), bathroom, car (rarely gets read, I think I've been reading "Under the Tuscan Sun" for 3-4 years!). I read parts of each one periodically & occasionally I finish one. So I was sick a few weeks ago AGAIN & taking naps on the weekends when Julia sleeps & I usually read a bit before I get drowsy (just like at night). However, I couldn't sleep long because of coughing so I kept reading this book & finally finished it.

The sub-title is How Stay-At-Home Dads, Breadwinning Moms, & Shared Parenting are Transforming the American Family. It's a non-fiction book, a series of case studies of different families in various locations around the U.S. It's a combination of anthropology, sociology & psychology, my 3 faves, describing how these families work together to support each other & care for children. JAS weaves in comparisons of how public policy in other countries has changed what parenting looks like for both men & women & their relationships with their children in a positive direction (usually). Both parents have opportunities to stay home for 6-12+ months with their young child, with support financially, culturally & employment-wise. I like the word OPPORTUNITY. That is what it is to take care of your child. I'm glad I had my 6 months with Julia, but full-time care for a child is not my calling.

Often I say to Jai how much I wished we lived in Spain, or now Finland is my new favorite, because of the family friendly parental leave practices & support for breastfeeding. I realized after I finished reading this book, that it definitely would be great to live in Spain as that is one of our life goals, but Finland is too cold for me. : ) However, the other realization is that change is happening in the U.S., slow change, but still happening. There are more men & women switching who stays home & cares for children & who goes to work outside the home. For those children, that will be normal, not non-traditional, so a new model is being constructed.

Read the book if you have a chance.

Abstract Expressionism

I have no idea what "abstract expressionism" art looks like but Julia showed some abstract expression in her artwork yesterday.

We bought Julia some crayons a couple of weeks ago and she has been scribbling up a storm. Most of it is just that, scribbles, but yesterday she "drew" something she knew. In one quick, furious motion she make a scribble and screamed "Alpha!" (Alpha is the name of one of Grandma Bonnie's cats...its not a pet, its a stray.), then to another part of the page she did it again and screamed "Omega!" (again, another of Grandma Bonnie's stray pet cats), then "Splotches!", and so on until she came round to Alpha again.

To my eyes this is pretty spectacular. She remembered one of the cats, scribbled her representation and did it to each distinct animal. Each scribble looked like a scribble but each was in a different spot of the paper. This might be typical for a 2 year old but I think its pretty amazing.

Julia is 2!

Hard to believe, but she is!

She is amazing, quite the toddler, running everywhere, talking ALL the time, tons of fun.

Actually according to Jai's developmental emails he receives each month, Julia is now a pre-schooler. That seems too early - she's not old enough! However, she needs some kind of school experience & structure in a year or so, definitely by 4, especially when we have another child. She's such a big girl!

It was so fun to see her in the morning & wish her "Happy Birthday." Her face broke into a HUGE smile. I think she understands it - or at least enjoys the attention which is normal.

Her birthday celebration was our typical laid back, nothing fancy, style. I made her favorite (& easy) applesauce cake, also we had some homemade ice cream which she loves. This year it included Grandma Bonnie & Uncle Joel, but still only family. Maybe in year 4 which should be a Saturday we'll have a small party with 3-4 friends.

Presents: You know how much I love gifts for my birthday, but we've really scaled back for monetary & environmental reasons for birthdays & Christmas. Lots of people say we have to give her something ... they really think it's wrong that we don't do anything for Christmas! That's not our value anymore - we try to be careful consumers - so we decided to be thoughtful about how to recognize this event.
We discussed some possible birthday traditions & decided that Jai & Julia's would involve music. They went to Grimey's Record Store today.

We decided that we want to get her a new book for her personal library (we don't buy her books, she gets 1 monthly from Imagination Library, at least until she's 5), since we'll borrow books for her from the public library (once she's beyond destroying them!). The plan is for Julia & I to go to Fairytales Bookstore on Saturday & choose a book. I'm thinking another Eric Carle book - I saw one about a spider (she loves the "Itsy Bitsy Spider" song) when we bought her big crayons there last weekend. Maybe another series book by the author of "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" - love that book! (we got "If You Give a Cat a Cupcake" - she LOVES my mom's many cats!)

She got 2 books from her great-aunt, Billie. Jai called his Auntie Dear that morning so she could wish Julia "happy birthday" - it's so cute when she calls her "Auntie Dear." It's so cute when she calls other people by their name too. Adorable, so proper & adult!

Julia also got a great card, from Anne Marie, Kevin & Sam, related to Eric Carle's book "Very Hungry Caterpillar," about being 2. So sweet! Niki gave her an apron with a big "J" embroidered on it. Matches our kitchen apron set - nice! She also got a board book, Tinkerbell socks, cute card & $10 cash from her cousins in Chicago. Julia made out like a bandit in the gift department - just right for a 2 year old.

Jai hopefully will put birthday photos on flickr soon. I added them on 12-11-10 - cool date! Another cool date this year - 8-9-10! :-)

Julia is a wonderful child, we are blessed to have her in our lives!

Working Parents - how do we survive?

We have 1 1/2 incomes basically now since Jai started working part-time (Sat.-Mon.) at Nashville Public Library in mid-October. For about 15 months we were living on 1 income which has been challenging financially, but our goal is for one of Julia's parents to care for her full-time. We kind of lived in fantasy land for 1/2 of these months as we spent more liberally than we should have, used savings sometimes to pay credit card bills, not living truly to the new adjusted budget. Earlier this year I freaked out as I usually do about money when I paid more attention to some of our expenses, especially a huge debt I didn't realize was as big.

We stopped careless spending (which wasn't outrageous, mainly going out to eat too often), started using the Dave Ramsey "cash money in envelope" plan, and examined other ways to cut expenses. Once we trimmed as much as possible (we probably could do more!), we discussed part-time work for Jai & I also signed up for after school tutoring at school - any way to increase income - & Jai got the job at NPL. We use that money to pay extra on debt - it's working, it will take us about 1 1/2 years, but that's good, compared to what was happening which would have taken 3-4 years.

We also are more self-disciplined, live within our budget, spend only what we have in the envelope; we use credit card for expected/automated expenses (for convenience mainly) like gas, diapers, WPLN donation, cell phone bill, then pay the bill each month. We still put money in an account for Julia - savings & education - and for CSA savings (we pre-pay at beginning of each season which saves us 10% & we don't have to write a weekly check).

We decided we're not going to travel by plane for the next year, especially as Julia no longer is a free ride. We're planning to visit family in NC in spring & Chicago in summer, but no other travel. We rarely eat out - maybe once a month, depends on what's in envelope. : ) We haven't seen a movie at theater in 5 months (we each have seen an individual movie using our personal entertainment money) - we get DVDs from NPL or Redbox. Overall it's good, but Jai & I have different philosophies about money. : )

OK, I've written about a different topic than I originally intended! I wanted to write about how hard it is to have both parents working outside the home. We're experiencing some of what I expect happens in that scenario - somewhat more rushed, less time with each other or for self, constantly pulled in so many different directions, no time to cook or clean. I feel lucky that Jai is home 4 days with Julia & he prepares most of our weekday meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner); I also enjoy spending time on Saturday & Sunday with Julia - our time together is special. Bonnie watches Julia on Monday so I treasure those afternoons when I get home from work & have 1-1 1/2 hours to myself, even if I'm preparing dinner which I find relaxing (sometimes). I'm happy that we're still able to prepare most of our meals from scratch (money saving technique & health reasons).

Parents are tired, regardless of work situations. There probably is never enough money.

We're also fortunate that I have a job with lots of vacation time.

In Treatment

Another show I watch, however, I've been kind of an inconsistent fan. We didn't have HBO when the show began 3 seasons ago. I started watching the 2nd season kind of by accident. It seemed like an interesting premise, a therapist's weekly sessions with 3 different clients, then the therapist's session with his own therapist. Occupational interest at best, voyeurism at least.

While watching therapist Paul Weston's transition to living in NYC separated from his family, I watched Paul's life in Baltimore in season 1 as his marriage begins to dissolve. DVD is a great way to catch up quickly & in my case obsessively. I remember doing the same thing with "The Gilmore Girls" 5 years ago!

Anyway, same thing happened. We recently got a few months of HBO for free so I had access to season 3. However, I never finished watching season 2. I'm sure I got tired of watching therapy "for pleasure" (what TV is for me usually), after working with people's issues all day at work. Yet it wasn't a problem since he had new clients. I learned his divorce was final, his ex-wife was engaged & Paul had a new girlfriend. I got consumed again, fascinated by these character's issues & how the analyst (the term used) negotiated the therapy sessions.

I was curious how Paul maintained professional boundaries while working in a room inside his cool NYC apartment. At the same time I watched as Paul fought his own personal demons in both client sessions & the ones with his new analyst played by Amy Ryan. I definitely look at my own counseling techniques & see how I can improve. It's different since I'm not a Freudian analyst & I don't have 50 minutes once a week with a student. It's a frustrating process actually, brief-solution focused counseling, usually 10-15 minutes max per student & not all students anyway.

It really makes me think about establishing a private practice & using own home. Technically I'm not sure if I have the appropriate credentials actually, but gives me pause. Jai sees a therapist (I don't think she calls herself an analyst) who works in her home. I've talked about my mom's business in our converted garage. Maybe that's what we could do with ours! HAHA!

I talk about being self-employed, but I like the comfort of working for an organization. I have so many ideas - baker/chef, organization consultant, therapist - & I'm sure I could come up with more. Something brainless would be nice ... not really, but sometimes seems appealing. 19 more years in public education seems like a long time yet I know retirement at 59 is not likely either - for monetary reasons mainly.