FIRST DAY BACK!

Today was my first day back to work at school. It was a GOOD day! It was wonderful to leave Julia with Jai and get in my car and drive here. I called Susie at 7:50am (even though it is 2 hours earlier she was ignoring her snooze button) and said "guess where I am?!" She was not as enthusiastic as she is ready for the end of the school year. Perspective!

I was early, too, which was a good idea since I needed to clean and reorganize my office space. Since it had been so long, had another occupant (you know how I am about cleanliness), and to set up my pumping station. My co-workers were so happy and excited to see me. All day when I saw co-workers, they said "good to have you back." So nice and welcoming!

I had over 500 emails!
I didn't read all of them - many were irrelevant at this point.

There was a situation/conflict between some 6th grade students at about 9am - luckily my colleague handled it for me because I had to pump ... and I'm a little rusty on counseling!

One of the students said: "You look different ... you used to be skinny."
I said "remember I was pregnant" ... (nothing, no change in response or attitude).
I repeated myself ... (again NOTHING!).
I said "I have a baby" (I am slightly annoyed) and walked away.
Later my colleague said she heard the student say "oh, baby fat."
OMG! Too much! : )

I pumped 3 times and the total was 11 3/4 ounces which is pretty good. I'll see how much Julia eats today. Luckily I have milk in the freezer to help supplement any shortfall.

Today also marked Barack Obama's First 100 days as President of the U.S.
Overall a really good day.

Stylin'

Stylin'
Originally uploaded by bmitd67

The hat makes the outfit! Thanks to her cousin Grace for the jaunty organic, handmade hat.

Note from Tara: this photo is from February when it was cold and a long sleeved footed sleeper and wool hat was necessary!

Hair Loss

I thought it was the haircut ... that was 3 weeks ago!

I looked in "What to Expect the First Year" and apparently it is normal in the first few months postpartum. It has something to do with all of the pregnancy hormones, maybe related to the prenatal vitamin you take, and how much more hair grows. Then after the birth, the hormones are different and the hair growth stops and makes the extra hair come out.

Goodness gracious, I'm glad I have lots of hair because a lot of it is coming out - in the shower, in my comb, on clothes. Some of you know how much I dislike all the hairs. UGH!!!!!!!

I love to get waxed too. I still haven't convinced Jai to do that to his beard. I keep trying!

Anyway, if you see a bald spot, let me know. : )

and the shrieking has begun!

Julia really enjoys her mouth. She is having a blast exploring all of possible sounds and fluids that can be made with her tongue, throat and entire mouth. Mostly it is hilarious as are lots of things she is discovering. Sometimes it is confusing as she sounds distressed, but usually is not.

Typically Julia makes the most sounds when she is laying in her Pack-N-Play; she tends to be more quiet and serious when sitting up. However, yesterday she put on a show at Easter lunch at our friends' house. We have a performer amongst us!

Then today she took it to a new level. Julia got LOUD, I mean really loud!!!!!!! Seriously I am concerned about her throat getting raw and sore.

However, seeing the world through a baby's new eyes is a glorious thing! Definitely reminds you to keep it simple.

4 months & counting

4 months & counting
Originally uploaded by bmitd67

4 months. I understand what people say when they tell you to enjoy it b/c it goes by so quickly. It is amazing how this little girl is very quickly becoming a little girl. She's shows signs of mischievousness and extreme curiosity. She's social and independent. It doesn't seem like it was 4 months ago that we were sitting in a dark hospital room with a sleeping newborn

4 months and Basically Brillant

Today I am 4 months old. I weigh 11 pounds 5 ounces which makes mom very happy! My head grew another 1 cm and I am 1 1/4 inches longer since last month. Basically I am growing everywhere I'm supposed to.

My doctor likes my social smile which my parents think is normal and kind of flirtatious; lots of people notice how fun I am. I'm personable. You smile at me; I'll smile at you.

I am meeting lots of milestones for my age and actually impressed Dr. Robinson with my book handling skills... might be advanced. Not surprising given my parents... Wellesley and Sewanee... I've got brains! My dad described how I pay attention during story time and hold the book and really seem to want to turn the pages. My cloth book "Colors" is always with me in the car seat and I turn those pages... also, I like to put them in my mouth.

I sit with assistance in the Boppy and in the bouncy seat obviously.
I love to grab my feet and even put my toes in my mouth.
I've been on my tummy and rolled over to my back.

I go back to the doctor in 2 months. I should definitely be double my birth weight (13 pounds 2 ounces), probably more. I hope to demonstrate some new tricks. Maybe I'll be rolling over (from back to front), crawling some and sitting up more on my own.

GMS visit

I didn't write about my first visit to work with Julia because that was the day of the doctor visit and the weight issue. However, today's trip to Goodlettsville Middle School was no different in terms of the quest to love on Julia. She gets tons of compliments - beautiful, precious, adorable, gorgeous. I try to be clever and say "Julia would say thank you if she could" even though a plain thank you is expected. Someone even commented on her brilliant book-handling skills which might be advanced for a 4 month old.

My two immediate co-workers who witnessed and experienced most of my pregnancy are truly hilarious about who gets to hold Julia first and how long. They also monitor other people's interactions with her, even with Niki! Actually it is kind of nice to have someone else police other people with the baby.

However, their interactions with each other about Julia are the most entertaining. The following are some of their comments:

"I don't want to wait to hold her and then she'll be all tired and cranky ... like last time."
"I can hold Julia while you two catch up."
"If she wanted a white lady to hold her, she has Grandma Bonnie."

(one of my co-workers is black and one is white) (that is my favorite quote!)

We all are excited to have me return to work in a few weeks; however, I suspect they really want Julia to come, too! : )

Thunder Storms

This afternoon Julia and I spent some time in our basement, lowest place in our house, with very few windows and lots of concrete to protect us from the elements.

I was getting something to eat (always!) and Julia was sleeping (thankfully) while I listened to the radio (NPR is keeping me aware of current events) and looking outside at the pouring rain. Jai calls and asks if I'm aware of the storm situation. I said yes (sort of) and he said to be ready to go to basement if necessary. I said OK. Continued eating ... then decided the radio wasn't sufficient information so I went to living room to turn on the TV. Still eating, listening mostly though looking at the storm map. Then I heard "Cornelia Fort Airport" and if you're near there to move to your safe place. I thought "that's near us, right?" and looked up and noticed that airport is near Shelby Park. That's near us!

I quickly got up, went to guest room, grabbed the diaper bag, Julia and a blanket, luckily I had my cell phone in my pocket and also had the landline phone. We moved to the basement door and down the stairs.

The basement is pretty clean as far as basements go. We wash our laundry and I ride my bike (used to do that regularly in the mornings). Otherwise it's not a cozy hangout place. I sat on the bike and realized the outside door is in a direct line with bike (I asked Jai to move it later). I unfolded my exercise mat and got a laundry basket and put Julia in it. I got settled on the mat and we watched the TV. Johnders was outside. I didn't have time to get him. Thankfully he was OK.

Then Jai called and we talked about the situation. We need a comfortable chair (maybe we'll move the couch from nursery down there), flashlight (extra batteries), candles (matches) and some food and water.

I usually repack the diaper bag as I unpack it when we get home from an outing. It has a water bottle and a LUNA bar. It works in a short pinch, but you never know how long you might be there.

Then my mom called and she was headed to her basement just in case. Thankfully our phones were working.

Julia needed to eat while we were down there since she'd been asleep for a couple of hours. I waited to change her diaper though! : ) A cool thing about breastfeeding - I could feed Julia - no problem.

Side note about this topic:
At a LLLi meeting someone mentioned the Katrina situation and how women who could breastfeed helped feed other people's children because of the lack of clean water & formula. How awesome! The beautiful thing is the breast keeps making milk as the child drinks it - constantly!

Recently there was the big controversy with the video of Salma Hayek breastfeeding a child someplace in Africa (Factcheck: Sierre Leone). What is the big deal! I wish people would get over issues with breasts - it has many functions.

The New Tara (not Superwoman)

Wonder Woman is more my super hero character than Superwoman. I dressed up as her for at least one Halloween.

There is so much I could write about the topic of my aim for perfection (as well as many people in the mental health field). However, I no longer am able to complete or accomplish a fraction of what I used to. Yet I'm more exhausted, physically and emotionally.

Maybe writing will be cathartic because I am struggling with managing my new life as mom. I definitely hit a bottom with the weight crisis ... I feel like I became a crazy lady, crying often, often paralyzed with fear to do anything. The issues with breastfeeding and then there are these insane hormones! I definitely had some postpartum depression, my mom describes as mild ... if this is mild, oh, my goodness! It feels major to me, mainly because it seems SO different from the Tara I know. Confident, decisive, able to manage simple tasks without tears involved, happy basically.

Becoming/being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done. Harder than the homesickness I felt at Wellesley, harder even than the homesickness I experienced living in Thailand, harder than the adjustment of being married. It is a 24 hours a day, 7 days a week job that never ends, no breaks, no weekends off. People tell you about it, but you cannot know, not really, until you experience it.

Sleep deprivation is torture. Actually it is used as a form of torture. If the military wanted to train soldiers to withstand capture and interrogation, let them care for an infant. If you survive, you probably can handle ANYTHING! Jai says maybe if I'd pulled more all nighters in college, I might be more OK with less sleep. I had one all-nighter in college, thanks to a group project. Actually I overslept for the final presentation (UGH!) - that is why I do not like group projects. Other people's procrastination issues are annoying. Breastfeeding is the ultimate group project!

Faith - I didn't think I had issues with believing. However, breastfeeding requires you to have faith in the process. You cannot know how much milk the child gets and every feeding is different anyway. Pumping and bottle feeding is an exact number, but never will replicate the action of the child sucking on the breast in terms of volume or needed food at that moment. That is hard for me - I'm a numbers person, not quite like Rain Man, but close. I like hard facts.

Humbling - another good word to describe parenting and not the former Tara. I'm not modest, rarely humble. I'm really quite arrogant. Not so much anymore. Maybe that's a good thing, hopefully I'll be more compassionate, especially with people I used to consider incompetent. If you have children, I'm going to assume you didn't get much sleep and cut you some slack.

Latest symbol for the new Tara is my haircut. I cut it ALL off. Julia was starting to pull on it and it takes FOREVER to wash and comb so I went with a low maintenance do. Jai said "I thought you weren't going to get it as short as Susie's." I didn't plan to, but it happened. He says I really look like Susie now. It has been YEARS since it was this short. Some adjusting to it, but no regrets. Luckily my hair grows quickly, especially with the prenatal vitamin I still take.

What is that phrase that people say to help with challenging experiences? ... "this too shall pass." Time is truly a wonderful healer. I will find my new balance, not sure when, not sure what it will look like, but I have hope that I'll get there.